Go Away, John Stossel Dept.

Apparently, ABC's 20/20 is planning an investigation of Matthew Sheppard's murder that airs his killers' new claims that it was just a "mugging gone wrong." So what happened to the "gay panic" defense they used in their trials?

What's more, according to the NY Post:

The interviews apparently violate the plea agreements the two men signed at their sentencing. According to reports, the men agreed never to talk to the media about the case as part of the agreement that spared them the death penalty.

So what the holy hand grenade is going on here?

ABC News is totally irresponsible for giving these cold-hearted killers airtime on a subject that is not only no longer relevant to their cases (except in that it should result in further punishment for them), but can only whip anti-gay types into a furor over the "homosexual agenda" and the use of hate crime laws. Their claims that "Exploring and re-examining the facts around that murder in a very thoughtful and in-depth way is the very essence of responsible journalism," ring hollow. This is right wing yellow journalism at its most heinous. In masking their agenda by implying that they are just trying to give Aaron McKinney and Russell A. Henderson a voice - a voice which they could have used in their initial trials, if they didn't think the gay panic defense was more expedient - and expose some sort of Laramie "drug underground," they are just trying to put a pretty face on sensationalism.

Is this what it's come to, now? After 11 anti-gay marriage ballots passed and the Republicans' gains in the election, is it now fair game to pick apart the murder of Matthew Sheppard, an innocent victim who united the country in our shock and sympathy and opened middle America's eyes to the lethal ubiquity of homophobia and hatred?

Dark times, indeed. I hope to see the clouds someday lift.

Oh, and John Stossel? I'm not sure if he's involved in this one, but doesn't it sound like just his speed? Even if he isn't, I'll take any opportunity to tell him to go away.

Last Letters Home

In addition to the link in my last post to the soldiers' letters printed in the NY Times, here's a link to the HBO documentary on the same subject.

M & I watched it last night. It is guaranteed to make you cry and, for those of us who believe sending our troops over there was a mistake, doubly torturous for the feeling that these young people may have died unnecessarily.

As painful as it is to watch, however, I would recommend all Americans take the time to see it. For us left-wing peaceniks, it may help us to better understand and commiserate with the soldiers and their families, and why they participate in the military. For those right of center, it might bring home to them to terrible costs of this war, even while the administration does its best to suppress information about how badly it is going.

Veterans Day

They didn't have to be there - they didn't have to die. Read their words in the NY Times.

I Demand a Recount!

Or, at least, Nader does, in NH. Here's a fuller scoop on what's going down in OH (apparently, the new hot target for "the terrorists") and NH.

I Can Sing a Rainbow...

For those of you who were kvetching, I've brightened the colours for my links and headers. Hope this helps.

January Surprise?

The Kerry folks are looking into the votes in Ohio and the Greens and Libertarians are trying to get a recount.

Hmmm...

And Now, Back to the Raging...

Think the right wing only wants to end abortion? Think again.

Do You Know What Today Is?

As the song goes, "it's our anniversary." That's right, today (and tomorrow, there's a running debate about this) is the anniversary of M and my first date - the beginning of our life together. We've been through so much together, but it's still hard to believe it's been four years. I am so grateful for our relationship.

When M discovered me (and stalked me, but that's another story), I had come to a point in my life where I was so discouraged that I felt I was probably just "not meant" to ever have another person love me in the way she does. I had long been a romantic, but after years of hurt and disappointment I began to question whether healthy, loving, respectful, long-term, monogamous and stimulating relationships were possible. Well, now I know they are.

So, thank you, Universe, and thank you, my beloved Marci. I'm not feeling very eloquent right now, but I hope this will help to convey my feelings:

For her gait if she be walking,
Be she sitting I desire her
For her state's sake, and admire her
For her wit if she be talking:
Gait and state and wit approve her;
For which all and each I love her.

Be she sullen, I commend her
For a modest; be she merry,
For a kind one her prefer I.
Briefly, everything doth lend her
So much grace and so approve her
That for everything I love her.

- William Browne

An Open Letter to Canada

Dear Canada,

Please invade us. The USA clearly presents a threat to you as our neighbouring nation, a threat that has already begun to spread to the rest of the world. Our megalomaniacal leader has attacked sovereign nations and occupied lands, killed, tortured and held prisoners in violation of the Geneva conventions and set up a fundamentalist regime through intimidation and subterfuge. His plans include further subjugation of minorities, women and the poor and escalating production of the most lethal weapons of mass destruction - weapons which we already have more of than anybody else in the world. Clearly, we are a dangerous power and force of terror.

However, there is some good news. We're weak at home right now, with our troops strung out in extended deployments overseas. A sizable number of our people might welcome you. We may be willing not only to submit, but even to symbolically topple any statues or monuments to the tyrannical party in power.

So, come on down, Canada, and "democratize" us. We cannot be a free country without the basic benefits and rights you enjoy, like universal health care, multiple party representation and marriage for all citizens regardless of gender - not to mention free speech and free elections! The only reasons not to do so are the bloodshed, death and horror it would cause, the condemnation of other nations you would face and the fact that to invade another country for your own purposes while professing to represent its population's best interests would be the wrong thing to do. But hey - details, details. If we can do it, why not you?

Yours sincerely and in hope,

49% of the Population of the United States

See? They Don't Want Us, Anyway

Check out the right-wing call fore a "Declaration of Expulsion."

Is Shrub the Antichrist?

You know, I was idly toying with this idea this morning, and now have discovered that, of course, somebody has created a website - and even a book! - about it.

Of course, some fundamentalists probably wouldn't mind the idea. Hey, whatever brings armageddon closer...

Scatological Humour Dept.

Last night we discovered that Queen Maya, the High and Mighty, must have found and ingested some rubber bands. How did we know this? Because she suddenly came skip-hopping through the room yowling and twisting with a turd attached to her rear end in a fashion much like this:


After we'd recovered from the explosive laughter and the comical chase and removal bit, M asked me to have a talk with Maya sometime. I'm not sure warning her she could choke will be effective, but we are willing to compromise. She will be allowed to lick plastic and give herself that ugly chacne as much as she likes without us taking if from her if she agrees not to ingest any further foreign objects or wake us with the crinkling. I am arranging a space at Camp David for us to begin our negotiations.

Thus we amuse ourselves.

Have You Seen This?

More irreverent, sometimes over-the-top humour at whitehouse.gov. The acceptance speech and posters are highlights.

Now, That's Not Very Nice...

It may be funny, but it's not nice...

"As democracy is perfected, the office of president represents, more and more closely, the inner soul of the people. On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron."
--H.L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)

The Holy Trinity

Not everybody knows it, but I loves me some breakfast cereal. I am not kidding. I. LOVE. IT. The only person who may rival me in this aspect is Jerry Seinfeld. Nevertheless, in our carb-condemning times, I have done my best to limit the amount of cereal, and pre-sweetened cereal in particular, that I consume. However, once in a while you've just gotta have it, and a little over a week ago was one of those onces... in a while.

Why a little over a week ago ? Because it was Halloween, my friends. Not only was it a time for sweets and chocolate, but it was a time when all the monster cereals they still make were available. So, I got me some Count Chocula, the most classic of the monster cereals, and thoroughly enjoyed it, both for breakfast and dessert. There's something about the combination of chocolate, not-quite-"marshmallows" and a goofy cartoon vampire that just gets me right where I live. I've had a fascination with vampires, cartoons and chocolate since I was a kid (especially since Mom didn't let us have sweetened cereals), so I guess that all figures. Ol' Chocula may have changed a lot over the years, but he is still the cereal mascot closest on the borderline to eeeee-viiiiiilll.


Unless you count that crazy Kaboom clown, I guess.

(shudder...)

Anyway, I enjoyed eating my cereal, and playing the game that came on the back of the box, but little did I know there was more out there. Yes, that's right, I give you the sweetened cereal Holy Grail.

I was so upset to learn this existed, yet was not stocked in our local stores, that I nearly wept. Steve's C-Town C-Town C-To..? Are you listening to me? Next year, I'd better see this majestic combination in effect or there will be a protest.

That is all.

Go Big Blue! ... or ...Not.

So, I went to my first professional football game last night. Thanks to my pal Cathy, I got a free ticket to go with her to the Giants/Bears game at the Meadowlands. Needless to say - but then why am I saying it? - I was pretty excited.

Now, some of you may know that I enjoy watching pro football on TV, and that the Giants have been my home team from way back, even if I haven't always loved the roster at the time. (Kerry Collins? Puh-lease.) But you probably don't know what a bummer it's been since my friend Lee left the big city, and I discovered that NOT ONE of my friends had the slightest bit of interest in football. In fact, most of them harbour an active dislike of it. Including my beloved M, who, thankfully, has grown to be at least accepting of my need to catch a game now and then.

So, you can imagine how stoked I was to find out that not only did Jessy's gf Cathy, who I haven't had a chance to get to know very much yet, not only likes football (she did come to watch the Super Bowl with us last year, although Jessy and M were blatantly bored with the whole thing), but had free tickets to see the Giants! As my dear friend the Kool-Aid pitcher once said, "Oh yeeeaaaahhhh!"

Anyway, we met at Port Authority, which has been cleaned up considerably since the old days, and boarded the bus for the stadium. Let me just pause to tell you that the ride to and from Giants stadium on NJ Transit? Cheap, clean and unbelievably fast. If you are thinking of driving out there, don't do it. You may have to wait on line at the end of the game to catch the bus back, but unless it's pouring or freezing out, it's totally worth it.

At the stadium, although other people were getting patted down, I was deemed non-frisk worthy (should've brought them chickens, man!) but card-worthy for a beer, which is not surprising, having caucasian skin and a face like a Cabbage Patch doll. That beer, like everything else, was woefully overpriced, though that didn't stop me from buying way too many artery-clogging snacks. Not that I expected anything to be cheap - I know how these things work. I just didn't expect to get so damn ravenous. I think that screaming and being outside, combined with the smell of frying grease, just overstimulates the hunger center of one's brain. That, and maybe being out from under the eye of my semi-vegan, healthy significant other for a few hours. And subliminal messaging. Yeah, that's the ticket.

So, we settled in for the game with some refreshments and a bit of banter with the folks around us, including Giants and Bears fans. Everyone was quite friendly, no matter what side they were rooting for - probably because if you can somehow get tickets to the usually-sold-out-for-generations Giants stadium, you're feeling pretty good. Or maybe it was the MSG. Anyway, our view looked something like this:


Except for, like, a lot more people in it. We actually could see more just by, you know, turning our heads, but you get the idea. I had thought from watching television that we'd be so far back the players would look like little ants, but it was a surprisingly clear and close view of everything we needed to see, especially with binoculars and jumbtrons as back-up.

I took a minute to take in the stunning sunset over New Jersey that streaked the clouds bright red, and watch the 9 million gulls soar by (all gathered there to raid the tail gate parties or the stands afterwards - glad I'm not Tippi Hedren), and then called up my brother to gloat.
"Hey, Andy. Guess where I'm calling you from?"
"Uh, I dunno."
"Giants Stadium!"
"You suck!

He tried to show me up by saying he has DirecTV NFL season pass and TiVO, but I'm not buying.

After that, we watched the players run back off the field only to make a big show of running back on the field (who started all that?), listened to a Marine core officer Whitney-fy the hell out of the national anthem, and then began the game. Which went pretty much like this:


I mean, I'm used to it. The only pro games I've been to in the past featured the NY Liberty, who also tend to lead in the beginning and then fail miserably, and The Mets, which...you know. Still, I couldn't help wondering if I hadn't brought my own little piece of bad luck there to the home team. I mean, Kurt Warner looked blind out there. I don't know what happened. I'm telling you, I'm not the kind of person to say "I could have done better than him," because I couldn't. It's obvious I'd be killed or maimed for life. But somebody could have. Or, at least, Warner on a good day. Maybe. Sigh.

Of course, my beloved Tiki looked like this.

Oops! I meant, like this:


And yes, I think Jeremy Shockey is an over-rated redneck, why do you ask?

So that was my experience. Not so good for the tummy, but a really great time. It's true what they say, that you just can't duplicate the feeling of seeing the game in person elsewhere. Heck, if I could sit through the Mets... well, you get the idea.

So, if anyone else gets any tickets to another Giants or Jets game and wants to take me, I'm there. In the meantime, it's back to hiding my snacks and watching games on televsion by myself. In the corner. In the dark.

WTF Link of the Day

I don't know who this guy is, but he cracked me up.

Monday Link Mania!

For your convenience, cherry-picked articles of possible interest (at least to me, anyway).

1. Revenge of the Maps
I may be verging on having more map links here than National Geographic, but what can I say? They present so many ways to interpret the election in brief. Here's one of the best yet - and quite pretty, as well.


2. Pretty self explanatory
...although he didn't include a good grilled cheese sandwich.
17 Reasons Not to Slit Your Wrists...by Michael Moore

3. Not That I Am One, But...
This one is interesting. An exploration of what it means to have strong Christian beliefs but not support the right wing administration.
No Longer a Christian

4. War Games
This will not only interest those of us who have a modicum of computer experience, but our friends who are conspiracy theorists, as well!
Evidence Mounts That The Vote May Have Been Hacked

5. It's Alright to Cry...
Mourn and Organize

6. They Sure Know How to Support Our Troops Dept.
Here's one where the Army's trying to ship out a guy who's been out of active duty for 13 years, and yet another case where the U.S. military has been punishing a woman for having the nerve to get raped.

7. Back to Slitting Your Wrists, Again?
Okay , let's take a break with the Carnival of Cats - this week featuring a member of my own feline family!

Cheers...

What's In A Pronoun?

OK, as Bill Maher would start, New Rules:
All animals, particularly home companions, should be referred to as "him," "her," "who" and "whom," rather than "it" and "that." For people who truly love their animals, this should not be a difficulty, as they already regard them as thinking, feeling individuals - much of the time, anyway. However, many people who do love their pets, to a degree, still think of them as vastly mentally and emotionally inferior to humans, and those who do not care for animals at all generally see them as little more than objects. Let's face it, as soon as we find out what gender even a fetus is, most of us define it as "she" or "who", and the animals in our lives have at least as much cognizance as a zygote (unless you are of the opinion that only humans have spirits or thought processes and animals are purely mechanical/instinctive, which theory I may address further later).

If we are to promote fair and humane treatment of animals, changing peoples' perspectives just a little by making this simple switch could do a lot towards making them perceive all creatures as just a little bit more "human", and thus worthy of consideration. Even the act of having to pause a moment and consider what gender an animal might be in order to say "he" or "she" switches one's train of thought towards differentiating them from others of their kind, as well as towards seeing them as living beings rather than objects.

A small thing, perhaps, but try it. Let's see what happens.

Go Back and Live in Your Log Cabin

Oy! So, Trio, aka The Gayest Network Ever, is showing an original documentary on gay republicans. I just caught about a half an hour of it and, mercifully, had to go do some work before it was over. My question is: are these people mentally ill?

I know that sounds derogatory, but in the light of the recent agendas that won out on Black Tuesday, it's actually a serious and valid question. People may put forth that they are Republican because it is supposed to be the "fiscally conservative" and "small government" party, but if you're looking at how the government has been run and how the deficit has exploded during das Regime des Strauchs, you have to be seriously delusional to believe the GOP still represents these "values." The "values" they do represent are now social conservatism - i.e. down with faggots and up with the fundamentalist oligarchy - and helping big business get bigger and rich people get richer. Even if you are a rich gay person, how can you ignore the fact that the Republican leaders have not just been "taken over" by the right wing Christian conservatives, but embraced them? And, if you are a gay person and you just do not care that the majority of the party you're in thinks you're sick and should be cured, killed or disappear? You, my friend, clearly have some self-loathing issues to work on. Please start expressing your masochism with good old-fashioned B/D and S/M and stop taking it out on the rest of the country, mmkay? Thank you.

Man... I think we're going to have to officially rename Autumn as "Season of the Rants"...

Why Edinburgh?

One inventive American lass advertised for asylum on craigslist edinburgh. Heh.

Leave the country, and take your gul-dang gay-lovin' tofu-eatin' tree-huggin' pierced-labia values with you...

For those of you who have been seriously considering leaving the U.S. as I have, this essay might slow that call to U-Haul.

Ladies and Gentlemen, This Is Your President

See the details here.

Should I be scared that my brother played rugby, was in DKE and moved to Texas?

What Did I Tell You?

...about civil war states and red states?

When and how are we ever going to bridge these divides?

How Much Is The Shipping On That?

One fed up NYer tried to sell his citizenship on ebay.

Make Love To The Camera

If you like evocative photos of my beloved NYC like I do, check out this site. Good stuff.

Mass Exodus

Are the piddly% of Republicans in New York City going to wake up one day soon and echo that famous commercial line, " where is everybody?"

(Thanks to J'Ang for the tip.)

Fall Reading

I actually woke up feeling a little less apoplectic today - or at least more resigned. I'll now turn my attention to something other than Black Tuesday.

As the chill winds blow most of the leaves away (and I pout over the disappointing lack of vivid colours in the foliage this year), a young woman's mind turns to reading. There's nothing I like better than snuggling up with a good book on a blustery day, unless it's snuggling up with a good book, several cats and my naked girlfriend, with a crackling fire and a glass of mulled wine close at hand. I'll take as many of those at once as I can get.

Anyway, the only problem with this is that I often have far too little time to devote to this indulgence. Usually I have a pile of magazines I'm working through (copies of The New Yorker, National Geographic, Smithsonian, Natural History and Wildlife Conservation that I receive regularly, in addition to individual editions of The Nation, Harper's, the NY Times Magazine or assorted others M or I pick up), not to mention occasional newspapers, preofessional newsletters, Television Without Pity recaps and multiple blogs and Internet sites and groups I try to keep up on. Combine that "light" reading with two jobs, a relationship and a NY lifestyle, and there's not a lot of time to dedicate to luxuriating in a fine novel. I am hoping to shuffle my priorities as Winter approaches, however, and give myself a little more allowance to engaging in the pastime I so enjoy.

Now, for those of you who have seen my Amazon wish list, I'm not lacking for entertaining books, graphic novels and games I'd like to peruse. But, as it is, I have a pile of books by my bed that I'm working on reading. As of this writing, it includes:

1. Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell by Susanna Clarke
I just started reading this one, and I have great hopes for it. Being a fantasy buff and having grown up on 19th century English tales, this is just the kind of book I like to escape into on a dark, cold day, and it's received great reviews. We shall see if it lives up to them, but so far so good.

2. A Short History of Nearly Everything by Bill Bryson
I've actually been poking through this on and off for some months. It is quite a fun read, despite the overwhelming intended scope and what I feel is the misleading nature of the title (it's really more a short history of old white male scientists and their theories). The difficulty is not only that it is not as engaging or distracting as a novel, during a time when I really need to be engaged and distracted (what with Black Tuesday, and all), but that there are parts of it where my mind is so filled or terrified that I need to put it down for a spell. You try reading the statistics on how very likely it is that a giant meteor could destroy life as we know it at any moment and see if you don't have to wander off and watch I Love The 80s for a while.

3. Oldest Living Confederate Widow Tells All by Allan Gurganus
I actually gave up on this one a while back. It was interesting at first, and seems like it could be really engaging, but... it fizzled. It's unusual that I actually put down a book part-way through and don't re-open it, so it's bit disconcerting. I keep leaving it there, stumbling over it and thinking "should I give you another chance? Nah... not right now." Then I leave it there to stumble over later.

4. Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers by Mary Roach
I was stuck in a train station late at night and in a very grim mood when I bought this, but I'd also heard it's terrific . I do like this sort of morbid, semi-scientific investigative prose, but I have to be in the right mood for it. Some days I'll find it intriguing and funny, and others, just creepy and depressing. We'll see when the mood hits.

5. Magical Thinking : True Stories by Augusten Burroughs
M bought this one and found it wonderful. I have to say I did enjoy his first two books, but not as much as she did, and I liked the first one better than the second. I do find Burroughs to be a little too desperate for attention at times - like David Sedaris as an NYU drama student, if you will - but he can hit a groove now and then. I do plan to read this one soon.

6. Don't Let's Go to the Dogs Tonight : An African Childhood by Alexandra Fuller
Been meaning to read this one for months. Again, heard it was great, was intrigued by the subject matter, but a little afraid that the dramatic moments might catch me on a sensitive day.

7. Homegrown Democrat: A Few Plain Thoughts From the Heart of America by Garrison Keillor
My dad sent me this one, but I was curious about it anyway. I really enjoy A Prairie Home Companion, although I've found some of his fiction a bit disappointing. He was very good on Bill Maher's show, so I have high hopes.

8. Learning Their Language: Intuitive Communication with Animals and Nature by Marta Williams
I keep poking through this at various times, mostly for professional reasons, although it never hurts to pick up a few pointers. I'm finding I'm having trouble slogging through yet another book on animal communication, though. Not because I think it's bad - just because I've read so many and spend so much time actually doing animal communication! I'm sure there's some buried jealousy in there, too, lurking about. People keep suggesting I write a book on AC, and I think to myself "do we really need yet another one out there?" Who knows, though. Maybe Maya will make me do it.

9.Exporting America : Why Corporate Greed Is Shipping American Jobs Overseas by Lou Dobbs
Another one my dad gave me. I'm not so gung-ho on this one, because I have mixed feelings about the whole job-exportation controversy, but I'll give it a shot. Maybe it will help me understand the situation better. As it is, while I'm not pleased about giant corporations exploiting other countries' workers and taking away American jobs, if those other workers can do just a good a job or better and it's going to improve their standard of living, I can't argue that it's not fair just because "Americans deserve better than they do," waah-waah-waah, boo freakin' hoo. We'll see what it says.

So, that's my current list. What do you think it says about me? More importantly, what are you-all reading? Send me your lists, and discuss.

Hangin' By A Chad... (2004 Remix)

For those of you still wondering what's going on in vote counting-land...

Keep hope alive?

Friday cat blog!

Maurice, of the glowing eyes

I am coming to get you - with my cuteness!

The Old Grey Lady

MoDo and Friedman sound off.

And this article demonstrates what it feels like to be a NYer after the election.

See? We're Just One Big Happy...

This graphic and explanation found here shows how off the "red and blue states" monikers are...


This is consoling, in a way (except that, in light of the recent wave of anti-gay-marriage voting, most of the country would rather not be portrayed as purple). It looks as though the majority of the country is more centrist than divided.

However, the truth lies more in concentration of population. As the other map the article links to shows, Kerry's wins amounted to very small land areas packed with the most people - i.e. urban areas - whereas rural counties overwhelmingly voted Shrub.

So, we're still stuck in city mice vs. country mice, are we? The small farmer is not dead - in fact, he should be rubbing his hands and cackling, considering these figures - he controls the government.

However, with the right wing's environmental and birth control policies, it won't be too many ages before our population is so high and spread out that everywhere will be an urban strip mall, so maybe the pendulum will swing! Or maybe we'll all be dead. Keep watching...

Ooh, I Hear Laughter in the Rain...

Go read The Onion. It'll make you feel better.

They Really Hate Us, Part II

More proof that the Bush win was less about national security and the economy than kicking some faggot ass.

Hypothetical survey for Middle Americans:

Would you rather?
a) kick Osama bin Laden's ass
b) kick some faggot ass
c) kick Jane Fonda's ass

Discuss.

Top Ten Ways the DNC Can Stage a Comeback:

10. Move Howard Dean down to Texas, where he develops a funny accent and swagger. Run ad campaign insisting he's just a good ol' regular boy from down home on the ranch. Teach him about ten words in Spanish and do a photo op at a NASCAR race. Must utter the word "God" at least twice in each speech.

9. Start "disappearing" key fundamentalists. Instigate rumours that the rapture has begun. Hire a guy who looks like Jesus to appear with special effects. Tell the followers that The Kingdom is somewhere in Siberia.

8. Recruit candidates from reality show contestants. Country may get behind "President Rupert" or Dennis Kucinich - EXTREME MAKEOVER!

7. Campaign to replace American Eagle with Coors Twins.

6. Release "discovered" video from "hotel cam" of Dick Cheney and Karl Rove engaged in homosexual acts.

5. Ditto Osama bin Laden and Ashcroft.

4. Free gun and Bible with every vote!

3. Two words: Mind Ray.

2. George Soros buyout of Walmart and Cracker Barrel.

and the number 1 way for the DNC to stage a comeback:

Tell the fucking truth about what the administration is doing to to our country!!!

I Might As Well Have Saved My Breath

Because a friend emailed me this, and it pretty much says it all.



Heh.

Okay, we now return you to your regularly scheduled thoughtful pacifism...

S-E-C-E-S-S-I-O-N… Secession!

Come on, some of you must have been thinking it, looking at that electoral map. Isn’t it interesting that our country still seems to be divided roughly along similar lines as during the civil war?

We – meaning us left-to-center Democratic Northeasterners – are the evil cultural élite to them, and they – the right-to-center Republican Southerners and Midwesterners - are the backwards Podunk County Players to us. A generalization? Yes. But just look at the divide: the right, and by this I mean cultural, economic and religious, tends to look at the left as pathetically ungodly. The left tends to look at our Southern and Western fundamentalist brethren as pathetically ignorant. In all seriousness, are ever the twain to meet?

I don’t know. And maybe that’s part of “what makes this country great”: the allowed variance of opinion and expression. But more and more it seems like another civil war is going on, this time ideological, and the struggle is less to understand and compromise with one another than to wrest the power from the other side and wield it over them as effectively as possible. What’s more, this civil war has spread to the world, allowing a government endorsed by perhaps half the people (or voters, anyhow) to invade countries and kill in the name of “our values,” which seem neither particularly shared nor ethical at this juncture. The Bush administration took a loss by popular vote and turned it into an unquestionable mandate last time. What will they do now? Imperialism at home and abroad?

Anyway, it’s a beautiful day outside today in NYC – the world (if not my heart) does go on. Even though I’m feeling mighty low right now due to the election results, I recognize that I am still fortunate and I can still, as this excellent missive points out, fight another day. Still, as I noticed the stunned silence that pervaded the subway crowds this morning, and then tried in vain to comprehend what an extremely animated Russian cabbie was trying to explain to me about how it was a good thing that Shrub won (something about nuclear arms in Iran? and cowboys in the old West? or maybe it was that the results of further escapades by the right wing administration will finally turn the country hard to the left? but only God can save us? I honestly don’t know), can you blame me for wondering if the majority of people will ever truly understand each other? And honestly, are these states really united?

I’d move to Canada, but then I’d have to take a position on a free Québec.

The Morning After...

... still in fetal position...

They Hate Us, They Really Hate Us

Well, gay marriage bans have won out, at this time, in 10 of 11 states. I’m not sure what more there is to say. Most Americans hate gay people. Love the sinner but hate the sin? I think not. Even those who say they support civil unions but not marriage for gay people, what does that mean? That we can have all of or most of the same rights, but not use the word “marriage”? Does that make any sense? That we can’t force churches to perform our weddings? That, despite the fears of the ignorant, was never a possibility or the issue. The issue is that even these folks simply think of us as defective, if not evil, and want us to go away. Despite any professions that they have gay friends and think it’s okay for us to … you know… as long as we keep quiet about it and don’t get to have the same marriage license that they do, it clearly means that they think we are less than they are, and that somehow the existence of our relationships is sick and a threat to their own, somehow. Pathetic.

So, they still hate us. After all the giddiness of Canada and Vermont and Massachusetts and San Francisco (whoops, not any longer!) and Hawai’i (well, it never got that far) we now have to recognize that if gay marriage is going to become a reality in the US of A, it’s not going to come quickly or easily. Not that I’ve given up hope. I truly believe that it can happen – by court rule or social sea change – within my lifetime. But I’m beginning to despair that if it does it won’t be before I’m looking at life from the other side of middle age.

We shall overcome… someday…?

Ulceration... I mean, Democracy in Action

M & I took the day off today to try to get some freakin' rest and relaxation. All morning I felt like I'd been run over by a sanitation truck and dragged - just dog tired, sore all over and super sensitive and cranky. After saying goodbye to our houseguests and catching some extra Zs, we exercised our consitutional rights (or 19th amendment, anyway) at our new polling place. I expected to work myself up into a froth, since M said that the new place was a church and had Jesus swag right up front when you were trying to vote, but after some encouraging polital discussion with some locals we know who were coming in, my mind was on other things. I will say this, however: that church, on 12th between 4th and 5th? The gymnasium would make an excellent loft. I'm just sayin'.

Anyway, one of our acquaintances outside had mentioned that she'd heard reports of people going in and out at some polls and voting several times under the names of people they knew who were not voting, and looking at the folks who were hired to run this shindig, I was not surprised that people could get away with it. Besides the usual elderly ladies, there were a couple that seemed a few pegs short of a Lite Brite picture, if you know what I'm saying. Nevertheless, they are civil servants, and are working long hours for very little to help us carry out our rights, as M pointed out, so Buddha bless 'em.

Am I the only one who checks that I pushed the right levers several times and kind of freaks out when I pull that big handle and everything disappears with a big ka-CHUNK? No? Moving on...

I noticed M was in there a long time, and when she got out I told her how my Dad used to joke "I don't want to see any dancin' in there," and how this referred to voter intimidation in past decades, whereby party bosses could tell if you were cherry-picking cross-party if you shuffled around in the booth. M told me she was checking her votes over and over (a-HA!) and also talking with her Poppie, who passed earlier this year. She said she used to talk to him every election day, as he was the one who had taught her how important it is to vote. I'm sure he's smiling on the other side at her every day.

We took a lovely walk through the park, which was showing off some spectacular Fall colours, despite the passing of grey clouds fairly often. It sure is nice to be able to take a day off and just walk amongst the falling leaves, stopping to watch the ducks or listen to a waterfall in our own mini-forest. We both agreed that we are truly, truly fortunate. Then I hugged a tree for a while - yes, literally - and headed home, gathering leaves to put in our kitchen table centerpiece on the way.

So here we are, some private time and some nice napping later, and M is starting to freak out. It's nigh about 7 PM, and the first results and predictions are starting to come in. I am still trying to hold on to the relaxation, refusing to turn on the television or concentrate on what are way too early returns to invest my emotions in. Fortunately, we stopped and picked up the new Star Wars trilogy set, so we can distract ourselves with the epic story of the noble rebels defeating the evil empire. Appropriate, yes? But I'd better get in there, because M is inching towards the television, and saying things like "maybe we can only watch just a couple of the extras... the short ones... and then turn on the news."

My bile is starting to rise already. It's going to be a long, long night.

Keep the faith...

I Miss Halloween

...not because it just passed, but because it has changed so much. First of all, things are very different here in da big city of the aughts than they were in my 70s-80s little city and suburban youth.

When my age group went trick or treating, we went from door to door (with an occasional cut through a park, alley or cornfield), and although the old "watch out for razorblades in the apples" rumour had already come into fashion, by a certain age we were allowed to go by ourselves. Here in NYC, that's generally not done. As in much of the suburbs, parents have become too paranoid to let their kiddies beg from anonymous strangers in unknown apartments or houses by themselves, so the children are accompanied by adults. This seems to be true even for kids who, on most late, dark nights, are allowed to run through the streets yelling their fool heads off and buying as much junk food and candy as they can find. Odd.

Secondly, not only are they escorted, but kids do not visit other buildings on their street. They either visit pre-approved apartments in their building whose residents have signed up for giving out candy (and more and more this is becoming too "inconvenient" for many adults to participate in, making one wonder when Halloween is going to earn a literary equivalent of Scrooge to personify this stinginess. I mean, since when is it NOT FUN to give out candy?) or they go to the local strip of small merchants and trick-or-treat there.

Now, trick-or-treating at pharmacies, bodegas and 99-cent stores has always struck me as a little weird and sad. I mean, there's a big difference between getting a homemade cookie and some quality chocolates from the nice little old lady down the street and getting some crumbly, bottom-of-the-barrel gum from the pimply-faced plumbing supply cashier. But, even worse, this year I witnessed increasing incidents of children trick-or-treating without wearing any costumes at all. That's right, kids in their street clothes, without so much as a mask or cheap plastic smock on were walking into sneaker stores, holding out their plastic bags, and getting candy for nothing. No effort, no creativity, not even a threat of egging. Some of them weren't even saying "trick-or-treat!"

My friends, it is time for this to stop. I don't know if it is in the name of respecting diversity, religious intolerance or even related to low income, but the bar has been lowered too far. The rule is, and shall ever be: NO COSTUME, NO CANDY. I don't care if it's a bit of face paint, a schlocky store-bought plastic mask or you throw a floral sheet over your head and call yourself the ghost of bad interior decorating, you must do something to get a treat. And no, I didn't tackle any offending children and berate their imbecilic parents, but I had half a mind to. And I may do it next year.

Finally, although I find the local Halloween parade adorable and charming (and here I speak of the Park Slope event, not the hellacious, drunken-asshole fest of impending riot that the Village one has become - another sad change from days gone by, when it was centered around a bunch of fabulous drag queens strutting their stuff down once-very-gay Christopher Street), I have a word of advice: if you are not a parent accompanying a child and do not have a costume, do not march in the parade. And no, a hair band with ears on it or an LED toy is not a costume. Put some effort into it, or get out. You look nothing but misplaced and surly, and you should be on the sidelines with the rest of us who are misplaced, or surly, or both.

As for me, people seemed to enjoy my costume, which was nothing more than some signs affixed to my body and used as a mask. I went as the missing explosives, and a lot of people seemed to get and enjoy the joke. In my usual OCD fashion, I put a lot of effort researching what the authentic labeling for such explosives would look like, complete with Arabic translation, but then had to make a few less esoteric signs as well, so the average observer would easily understand what I was meant to be. Not my most detailed or labour-intensive costume ever, but I think it served its purpose.

Thanks to A, S and J'A for coming over to play games, make Halloween treats and carve a communal pumpkin. Here's hoping you weren't killed by gingko fumes, and that our next Halloween doesn't require such snide political commentary.

On to the Thanksgiving... and, oh yeah, the election... I was trying to block it out...

WWJD on Halloween?

Mic brings up an interesting question in her comment:

"Any comment on the 'controversy' of Halloween occurring on a Sunday this year? I heard some good Christian towns are losing sleep over this! Call me crazy, but I believe that Halloween has occurred on a Sunday before...."

Actually, this kind of gantseh megilleh has been going on for some time, particularly among evangelical groups. What to a lot of us is celebrating a fun and harmless holiday (despite the cavities and occasional egging or stolen treat bag) is to some superstitious types just asking for the occult and spirit world to notice you, and to some ultra-religious folks a veritable PACT WITH SATAN! Religioustolerance.org has all kinds of excellent information on how Americans of different faiths in general view Halloween. For example:

A poll of visitors to the Beliefnet.com website as Halloween for the year 2000 approached showed that there is a wide range of beliefs about Halloween:

Belief	% Response
"It's a fun holiday for kids and adult parties. I don't take it seriously."	42%
"It's a wonderful time to remember the dead and celebrate the end of the year."	28%
"We shouldn't celebrate it because it has occult origins and morbid overtones."	12%
"I celebrate it as a Christian holiday, the eve of the Feast of All Saints."	9%
"It doesn't mean anything to me one way or the other."	9%

In advance of Halloween for 1999, Focus on the Family, a Fundamentalist Christian agency conducted a poll of their web site visitors concerning their plans to observe Halloween. Results were:

30% Avoid it because it is evil
29% Enjoy costumes and candy
29% Turn it into a fall festival
9% Ignore it for lack of interest
9% Observe it as Reformation Day -- a recognition of the founding of Protestantism.

One of the most outrageous responses to Halloween is the Hell House, a house of horrors put on by Christian groups (and usually staffed and acted out by teenagers) that leads visitors through tableaus of “sinners” suffering and going to hell for commiting such acts as pre-marital sex, abortion, suicide, doing drugs and- heaven forfend! – engaging in homosexual acts (we gays all get the AIDS, y’know). Even just going out dancing or reading a Harry Potter book can set you on the road to much-deserved rape or slaving in the service of Satan. If you haven’t seen it, the documentary Hell House is a fascinating look into this phenomenon. One of the most telling aspects is how much the teenagers enjoy and compete for the chance to act out the goriest or most disturbing scenes. How old testament of them! Our own lovely M has witnessed these charming diversions herself as a child of the Southern bible belt (now that’s scary!).

So, what do I think? It’s just one more thing I don’t get or agree with the religious right on. And, generally, whereas I do think that it’s every person’s right to practice his or her religion as long as it doesn’t hurt others, there’s a lot of latitude in the concept of “hurt” for interpretation. If they don’t want to observe my favourite holiday, fine, but the type of small-mindedness that sees any practice or observance not set specifically down as acceptable in a literal interpretation of the bible can be more than a bit frightening. Banning Halloween is just another little symptom of the extremism fundamentalists of all faiths can resort to when they become convinced their particular rules are the only right ones and should be law. And the most disturbing part is, this type of furor only seems to building every year.

Can you say fatwah, anyone?

Happy Halloween!

Where, Oh, Where Has My Little Bomb Gone? - Part II

Update: The NY Times reports that Iraqi employees at Al Qaqaa said that when they tried to report the looting of munitions from the site to American troops, they were told this was not the soldiers' responsibility.

Col. Anderson of the 101st Airborne division I mentioned before, said that

...he thought... Al Qaqaa was of no importance to his mission...and he was unaware of the explosives that international inspectors said were hidden inside.

Wheeeee!

"Mission accomplished," indeed...

Where, Oh, Where Has My Little Bomb Gone?

Explosives madness! In Michigan yesterday, Shrub got all testy about those pesky missing munitions. According to the NYT:

President Bush broke his silence on Wednesday on the disappearance of 380 tons of explosives in Iraq, accusing Senator John Kerry of making "wild charges" about the missing explosives and of "denigrating the actions'' of troops in the field.

Mr. Kerry quickly responded that while "our troops are doing a heroic job, the president, the commander in chief, is not doing his job."

And good ol' Rudy G chimed in on the Today show with:

"No matter how you try to blame it on the President, the actual responsibility for it should be on the troops that were there. Did they search carefully enough?"

"John Kerry wants to pretend we do know what happened. We don't know what happened. The best possibility is that those explosives were gone even before the troops got there … at least it's an equal possibility. John Kerry hasn't admitted that. Instead, John Kerry became an attack dog."

Smooth move, Ex-Lax. Who's denigrating the troops, now?

Meanwhile, The Little Station That Could out of Minneapolis seems to have dug up some footage that shows the 101st Airborne Division finding explosives - possibly these very ones - early in the game and leaving them unguarded.

Ruh-roh, George.

Were those darn troops just sleeping on the job again? Perhaps Sgt. Bilko sold those things off to pay off some gambling debts. All we know is, the President and his administration had nothing to do with it. Just like it was a few bad apples that caused all that trouble up in Abu Graihb.

Just when I think I'm out, they pull me back IN...

P.S.: The good news is, I finally think I know what I'm going to be for Halloween...

Civil War II: Electric Boogaloo

Is anyone else in a complete state of angst over the upcoming election? I mean, of course, a lot of people are, particularly the politics wonks out there. But I mean those of us whose daily lives are more concerned with earning our livings, caring for family and what's for dinner. I smell a lot of tension out there, and it's not just among the cultural élite.

So, on top of dealing with Seasonal Affective Disorder (why are those friggin' sun lamps so expensive?) and some recent hormonal issues that may send me to the doctor yet again, I've got this to worry about. That's right, not only could W win (I think I just threw up in my mouth a little), but it's possible that we could have an electoral college tie. That would mean that the decision of who becomes president would be up to the House of Representatives. And guess which way they would probably vote?

The worst thing is, if this were to happen, I'm not sure which outcome would be more depressing: the nation rising up in an endless chain of lawsuits possibly escalating to violence and/or governmental breakdown, or the American people shaking their heads, shrugging and getting back to trying to earn enough to buy that stuff at the mall for Christmas.

Is there a middle ground? Certainly the mystifyingly high incidence of "undecideds", along with those who already think their vote doesn't matter, contrasted with the true believers on either side of the fence nowadays, who are looking pretty rabid, allows for... something. I must say, however, that the combined whackiness of all of this, despite what some people say, has led me to discover myself humming "O, Canada" under my breath quite frequently of late. Oh, and then there's the universal health care and gay marriage.

So, forgive me if the stress is getting to me. I feel like I'm breathing it in every day. And you know a storm is brewing when the semi-Buddhist peacenik gets cramps in her jaw from clenching and has vivid daydreams about levelling everyone involved in the higher levels of politics with a large automatic weapon. Just invest in Tums and don't look for me on Election Day. M & I will be volunteering in various ways before then, but on that day, after voting, I intend to run screaming to the most removed, meditative spot available on my budget - or at least hide under the covers.

Oh, and P.S.: Jon Stewart for President.

A Star Is Aborted?

So, last night was the fundraiser for Betsy's awesome film about hair. I've been having some... hormonal difficulties lately, as has my beloved Marci, so we were not such a great team full of get up and go to get out and party. Marci kept warning that if she felt really bad things could go TERRIBLY WRONG, whereas I was in one of those moods where suddenly there was nothing, anywhere, ever that I could wear that could possibly look good on me. You ever get in one of those? Where you look in the mirror and, consciously, you know you're 30-something, working two jobs and eating take-out almost every night, but some voice inside of you suddenly starts screaming "WHERE THE HELL WENT MY 20-YEAR-OLD BODY?!" Not that I appreciated it back then or put it to much good use. Mainly I tried to destroy it with never sleeping and consuming way too many illegal substances - which, hey, I guess it worked. But I'm just saying. Sometimes, when Autumn descends and it's suddenly dark and cold all the time and Halloween means wearing jeans, watching children parade and being in bed by 9:30, as opposed to dressing up for a sackful of candy or a drunken night of anonymous dirty dancing, it's a little depressing.

Anyway, M downed a bottle of Advil and I solved my problem by incongrously falling back on something I might have worn in 1985, which, fortunately, is somewhat back in style right now (at least I hope), and on we went.

I must say I was impressed with Betsy's ability to pull together a party. No mere "I've got some costumes and a barn, let's put on a show!" affair, this thing was in a swank Soho clothing store-cum-art gallery with a delicious and varied spread, free beer and wine and a lot of happening and interesting folks. And, most striking was the fact that she got it all donated. Go, Betsy. And if you have some time, would you like to coordinate a rent party for me?

Anyway, a bit of wine and good conversation tempered my angst somewhat, although I was still a bit manic. I did greatly enjoy the ten minute trailer and the performance of Nelson doing his "electric chaircut" thing, because who knew a haircut could not only be blatant (as opposed to subconscious or unexpected) bondage and masochism, but it could sound like a cross between Led Zepplin and Pac-Man?.

Still, it was a little weird, because all evening people kept coming up to me and saying "oh, I saw you in the previous version of the movie! You were sooo funny. I just don't understand why you were cut out." Um, so what am I supposed to say to that? "Oh, thank you" and "me neither?" I mean, the truth is that I agree I was pretty funny in the movie - I worked kind of hard on it. But then, I suppose that took away from the genuineness and/or drama of my sections. I mean, perhaps the world is too blasé to notice the subtle interior pain of the sad clown... or maybe I'm just not that interesting. But in actuality, I do believe Betsy's explanation that, as it sometimes happens in the film world, something had to go and I just happened to be it. After all, it's not as though I came out to my parents or overcame substance addiction during the filming. I just overcame my addiction to loneliness and opened my heart to my one true love and a healthy relationship. Sad, sad clown...

Anyway, thanks to all who tried to bolster me by telling me I should have still made the cut. I hope I didn't make you too uncomfortable as I stumbled through my reactions, trying to blithely acknowledge the unpredictable nature of showbiz and reaffirm my friend's right to remain true to both the constraints of editing and her artistic vision, while inside I was thinking "are you just trying to make me feel better? Do I look desperate for attention to you? Because, really, I kinda am. But hey, I was in the Village Voice, did you see me? Did I look fat? And I might be another movie, sometime! Or not, because I'm well adjusted and not a famewhore and really am just following the path that All That Is/the Higher Truth of the Universe has set out for me. Ommmmmmm..."

And keep raising money for Betsy's movie, 'cause that's what's important.

The Definitive Classic Halloween Treat List

Well, here we are, nigh on All Hallow's Eve, and my mind turns fondly back to those thrilling days of yesteryear... the Trick-or-Treat seasons. When you were a kid old enough to go out and do it and not too old to feel it would make you look "babyish," what treats did you most look forward to in your bag, bucket or sack? Sure, they may make you vomit now, and blanch in our low-carb age, but don't you still secretly yearn for a horde of sweets? Here's my list of the classic standards. If I've missed one you remember, let me know.

$100,000 Bar	Chewy caramel, milk chocolate and crispy crunchies. Later changed to "100 Grand," which annoyed me, 'cause I liked the old jingle.
3 Musketeers	Puffy nougat covered in milk chocolate. Light and sweet. The major appeal for me was the cool Musketeers emblem. I always wanted to be a Musketeer.
5th Avenue	Probably my favourite of the crunchy peanut stuff in chocolate variety, just because of the swank name and wrapper design.
Almond Joy & Mounds	Because sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't! Have I mentioned I really dig coconut?
Apple	Watch out for razor baldes!
Astro Pops	I know a kid on Gun Hill Road who got his eye put out by one of those things!
Atomic Fire Balls	The classic hot cinnamon ball of the time. Only a quick burn before you got to the sweet part.
Bar None bar	A brief-lived chocolate, wafer and nut bar. Pretty good.
Baby Ruth	Nuts, caramel and chocolate, in a fetching red-white-and-blue wrapper. The most interesting thing about this candy bar is the controversy over its name.
Bazooka gum	Rock hard and covered in powder, an American classic. Came with cartoon strips that were never funny, and offers for items in exchange for 7 bajillion wrappers. Did anyone ever send in for those things?
BB Bat	Hard taffy on a stick, like a fruity Sugar Daddy. Acceptable.
Beeman's gum (Blackjack, Clove & regular)	VERY rare in my era of Trick-or-Treating but classic. Either you love 'em or you hate 'em. I fall on the loving side.
Big League Chew	"The Original Tobacco style Bubble Gum!" Shredded gum in a pouch originally invented to turn ballplayers off from tobacco, but actually a great way to train your kids for the weed and the throat cancer. The best part of this was the ad campaign of ball players playing ball and blowing huge bubbles, and the drawings on the pouches that looked like they were by one of the Mad magazine illustrators.
Bit O Honey	Almond bits blended into a honey flavored taffy. A danger to your fillings but sooooo addictive! If you were lucky enough to get a whole bar of these divided by the distinctive interwoven wax paper, you might try to save some for later - but always fail.
Blow Pops	The classic sugary bubble gum inside a lollipop. A bit sweet for me, but fondly remembered.
Bonkers	Your basic extremely artificial "fruit chew". Like Starbursts, but cheaper and waxier.
Boston Baked Beans	Mere candy coated peanuts, yet somehow better than the sum of their parts. The colonial brick-style packaging whispered of patriotism in the bicentennial era. Seriously awesome.
Bottle Caps	Sugar candy shaped like bottle caps. Some people loved 'em. To me? No big whoop.
Bubble Gum Cigars	Another training device for smokers, these were generally made of low-class gum, although the banana variety was intriguing. Chocolate cigars also existed, but were rarer in Trick-or-Treat bags.
Bubble Yum	One of the many of the multi-variety gums that came out during the 80s bubble-blowing-contest craze. Innocent times, man. Probably my favourite of the type.
Bubblicious	Another of the big bubble gums.
Butterfinger	A version of the crunchy peanut bar covered in chocolate. A bit crisper and sweeter than some of the others. Maybe too much so for me.
Butterscotch	An olde-timey favourite, whether in disks, rectangles, balls or squares.
Candy Buttons Dots	Oh, yeeaaahhh! Suckin' the nasty cardboard-y sugar from the soggy paper! Rock the f**k ON!
Candy & Bubble Gum Cigarettes	Came in all different kinds of packaging designed to look like popular deathstick brands. Tasted like crap, but they made you look too cool and grown-up to resist.
Candy Corn	Dare I say it? THE ULTIMATE HALLOWEEN CANDY. Brach's is the hands-down favourite version, made softer and richer with a touch of honey. "Indian" candy corn and even pumpkin and other novelty shapes are acceptable for kitsch value, but the standard orange, yellow and white type is still number one.Which section of each kernel do you eat first?
Candy Necklaces and Bracelets	The number one way to be stylin' AND chip-toothed.
Charleston Chew	Sort of a taffy-ish nougat in vanilla, chocolate or strawberry, covered in chocolate. They were a favourite with my older siblings, especially frozen into cement-like blocks. Not high on my list back then, but bring some nostalgia.
Charms	Square hard fruit candies. Whatever. Good name, though.
Cherry Clan	Ooh, me so racist! Later renamed to "Cherryheads" to go with the other varieties in the Lemonhead family, but who can forget the slanty eyed-little buggers in straw coolie hats? I think I was horrified even then.
Chiclets	The name and advertising made them seem so fun, but really? Just little rectangles of hard gum. What a disappointment.
Chick-O-Sticks	Apparently, these were quite popular with some people. I don't know if I ever ate one, as the once or twice I got one I mistakenly took it for a cylindrical form of Chicken-in-a-Biskit and traded them off.
Chocodiles	Yes, one did occasionally get snack cakes in one's treat bag (or jack-o-lantern shaped plastic bucket, as the case may be), and if one did, it was most likely these, due to their popularity and the fact that they came in single packets. Basically a Twinkie covered in chocolate, but definitely a product kids of my generation were screaming for after seeing the lovable cartoon crocodile mascot, "Chauncey."
Choward's Violet gum and candies	Not common in trick-or-treat sacks but a classic nonetheless. Taste like that perfume you were given as a kid. No, not the Love's Baby Soft, the Violet! Duh.
Chuckles	Your standard sugar coated jelly-gum drops. Bleah.
Chunky	Ah, yes. Your basic huge block of chocolate. My favourite was the raisin and nut variety. Open Wide For Chunky!
Circus Peanuts	Evil. EEEEE-VIIIILLLLL!!!
Clark Bar	Another one in the vein of 5th Avenue and Butterfinger. I believe this is the earliest version, though. Nice wrapper.
Cow Tails	I didn't get many of these, but they are basically a long version of the Goetze's Caramel Creams. I never was sure whether I found the name attractive or off-putting.
Cracker Jack	Not usually found in treat bags as the boxes were pretty big, but OH BOY if you got one! Slightly over-caramelized sugar on popcorn with peanuts, AND a surprise treat with a joke or riddle. Too bad the surprises have been getting lamer and lamer as time goes by.
Dentyne	What the…? You've been given adult cinnamon gum! KAAAAHHHHHNNN!!!
Dots	Another gum drop incarnation of the slightly firmer type. Meh.
Dubble Bubble	Remember when you used to, like, blow a big bubble? And then, no wait, you would, like, blow ANOTHER big bubble INSIDE of that one? Yeah. You could do it with any other bubble gum, too.
Dum Dum Pops	Does it get any more iconic? Root Beer and cream soda flavours were high on my list, but who could resist the mysterious ? flavour?
Freshen Up	A gum with a syrupy liquid inside. The commercials made it look like a huge burst of flavour. Not so much.
Fruit Stripe Gum	Yipes, stripes! It's Fruit Stripe gum!! SOOOO awesome. That zebra! Those stripes! That strikingly tart-sweet fake fruit flavour that fades in seconds! And later on it came with temporary tattoos?! Bow before their majesty.
Garbage Pail Candy	Hard, sour candy shaped like various pieces of garbage that came in a small replica of a garbage can. Dig it.Not to be confused with…
Garbage Pail Kids Candy	A chewy candy that came with a card featuring one of the popular 80s gross-out cartoon characters, the Garbage Pail Kids. These kids were a phenomenon born from an unholy union of Rat Fink and Cabbage Patch Dolls. Not my cup of tea, but very popular. Note: and yes, there was a Garbage Pail Kids movie.
GatorGum	Gum made to taste like Gatorade. Hmm. Do I hate it, or do I love it? Well, I'll keep trying it to make up my mind.
Gobstopper	Otherwise known as the Everlasting Gobstopper. Balls made up of layers of candy that change colours AND flavours as you suck them away. Pure genius!
Goetze's Caramel Creams	Now this is old school, son. A little carboard-y, a lot sweet, 100% memory lane.
Goldenberg Peanut Chews	I think I just had an orgasm. Again, like the caramel creams, a bit oddly carboard-y, but rich and addictive. Slightly bitter dark chocolate surrounding a fudgy chopped peanut filling. And who else has the guts to include a name like "Goldenberg" in their candy's moniker?
Goobers	Chocolate covered peanuts. Better known as movie snacks. 'nuff said.
Good & Fruity	Cylindrical fruit gummi chews with a resistant coating. See Mike & Ikes. Meh.
Good & Plenty	Charlie says: Love my Good & Plenty! The much loved licorice in snazzy white and pink candy coating. Not the most decadent of candies, but very classy.
Gummi Bears	The first of the multi-flavour gummi incarnations. At one time, they were positively ubiquitous.
Gummi Worms	A later gummi item. Softer and more popular amongst some kids due to the gross-out factor. Gummi continued to spawn umpteenthousand varities, with no doubt some gummi gonads in there somewhere.
Heath Bar	A nut toffee bar with a slightly burnt taste, covered in chocolate. A more adult item, which made one feel classy because it contained the word "English" in the description.
Hershey's varieties (milk chocolate, dark chocolate, Mr. Goodbar, Krackel & various Kisses)	Do I really need to elaborate, here? Standard fare. Big points for the special dark and Mr. Goodbars, especially since your friend at school told you that Mr. Goodbar was named after a dirty movie.
Hot Tamales	Hot cinnamon version of Ike & Mikes… or is that Good & Fruity?
Hubba Bubba	Another big-bubble gum, this time with cowboys in the commercials. I do think this one had the most flavours, though.
Ice Cubes	Basically a cube of smooth, decent chocolate. Hmm.
Jaw Breakers	Ow! OwOwOW! I bit through it!
Jelly Bellies jelly beans	A bit more of an Easter snack, but well loved for its many varieties, despite the fact that it got tied in with Ronald Reagan, somehow.
Jelly Rings	Ew.
Jolly Ranchers	You know you traded them at school. What beats watermelon? Sour apple, my friend. Sour apple.
Junior Mints	More movie oriented, but enjoyed in your treat box.(Did that just sound dirty?)
Jujubes	A firm fruit gum drop.
Jujyfruits	<Coach Z voice> Jeeorrgyfruits! </Coach Z voice> A firm fruit gum drop, but I think shaped like fruits. I don't know, I always traded 'em.
Kit Kat	Gimme a break! Wafers and milk chocolate. Not high up there, but the chocolate was deceptively good.
Kits Taffy	Weird little low-quality taffy bits. Why did we love them so?
Laffy Taffy	Kicks Kits' butt, if just for the name alone. Not to mention the greater size.
Lemonheads (+Grapeheads and Appleheads)	A series of slightly sour hard sucker candies. Lemonheads was the first and most popular.
Lifesavers	Oh, you know. The only cool part was when you got something like Wint-O-Green so you could try to make sparks in your mouth or Butter Rum so you could think "Oooh, I'm eating RUM and my parents don't know it!"
Lifesaver Lollipops	Do they still make these? Remember when they came in swirled flavours? Good times. The Crème Savers are just not the same. Bring them back. And while you're at it, where the hell are the Pudding Pops?!
Lik-M-Aid	Wait, you get a stick of sugar, and you get to cover it in spit and then dunk into different varieties of sweet-sour powder? I am SO THERE.
M&Ms (plain and peanut)	Old faithful. You know 'em. But remember when they were tan and not red?
Mallow Cup	Truly seems like a candy Homer Simpson would have invented.
Marathon	1 inch by 8 inches of braided caramel covered with milk chocolate. Delicious, but discontinued. Now available as the "Curly Wurly." Who thought that one up?
Mars Bars	Kind of like a milky way with almonds. Originally more often found in the UK.
Mary Janes	Most people hated them, but I loved them. That peanutty taffy goodness! That coy, come-hither look on the little girl's face! Definitely a treat for a developing lesbian.
Melster Peanut Butter Kisses	Much like Mary Janes, but with no name on 'em. Oh, come on, you remember them. They came in orange waxy twisted wrappers. Yes, they had a name. Yes, usually old people gave them out. Remember now?
Mike & Ike	See Good & Fruity.
Milk Duds	Chocolate sacs filled with milky caramel goodness! What's not to love? (Shut up, Bunche.)
Milky Way	You got your nougat, your caramel and your chocolate. Next.
Necco Wafers	Why? Why on God's green Earth are these so beloved? I would have used them as poker chips, if they didn't all break in the bottom of my bag.
Neopolitan Coconut candies	I know, ew. But, kinda yum, too.
Nerds	A box with two separated flavours and some cute little cartoons really sold this one. Admit it - you loved 'em.
Nestlé Crunch	(Yawn.) Moving along…
Now and Laters	Eat some now and save some for later? Yeah, right. These rocked with a severe righteousness. Also, you could build up a little business of selling off the singles from the packs at a ridiculous markup to desperate kids in the cafeteria. What? No, I didn't end up a Wall Street trader…
Oh, Henry!	Kind of like a Goldenberg's Peanut Chew, but bigger, sweeter and softer. Another one that's had some controversy over it's name.
Palmer's Chocolates	You know the ones. Those little balls or discs covered in brightly decorated seasonal foil wrappers. You open them up and… the chocolate is seriously foul. They also made those chocolate footballs - you know, the ones that always ended up at the bottom of the bag as the dregs? I hear Palmer's has improved a lot since back then, but for now all ridiculously bad and disappointing off-brand chocolates will retain the name "Palmer's" in my mind.
Pay Day	Gotta love me some peanuts. Of course, you can simulate these with a bowl of candy corn mixed with Planter's.
Pixy Stix	SUGAR HIIIIIGH!!!
Planter's Peanut Bar	Your basic very peanutty brittle thingy. Satisfying.
Pop Rocks	Yes, they rocked. No, Mikey didn't die by eating them with Coke. Haven't you watched VH1?
Push Pops	I don't know. These seem dangerous, somehow.
Rain-Blo Gum	Er. Kinda lame hollow gumballs. Okay.
Raisinets	Oh, you know.
Raisins	Just... no.
Razzles	"…first it's a candy and then it's a gum!" Unfortunately, the whole time it sucks.
Red Vines/Switzer's/Twizzlers	Everybody has their favourite version of these, but they're basically red fruity "licorice". Only good in a pinch, as far as I'm concerned.
Reese's Peanut Butter Cups	ALL HAIL THE REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER CUP!!! So simple yet so perfect in it's salty sweet-ness, this was the number one sought-after item in my treat bucket. WOE BE TO THE MAN WHO EATS MY PEANUT BUTTER CUPS! I HAVE SPOKEN!
Reese's Pieces	E.T…. phone home… I'm sure Mars, Inc is still kicking themselves.
Reggie Bar	Only memorable for having been named for Reggie Jackson.
Ring Pops	Candy Bling!
Rolo	You can roll a Rolo to your pal… but why would you? Save them all for yourself.
Root Beer Barrels	Me and pappy used to suck 'em on th' porch at th' gen'ral store. Pappy liked 'em cause he didn't have no teeth.
Runts	What was so good about pressed candy shaped like fruits? I don't know, but didn't you always save your favourite fruits for last?
Sixlets Gum	Kind of like Rain-Blo but a bit better, and more attractively packaged, 'cause… there were six.
Skor Bar	Another classy toffee bar variety, but this time with a harder butter toffee. And yes, I did know a girl who went on a Skor Bar diet in High School.
Sky Bar	This candy bar is divided into four sections with four different centers... caramel, vanilla, peanut and fudge covered in milk chocolate. Pretty awesome, but it would be better if the candy itself were of higher quality.
Smarties/Rockets	Little rolls of pill-like sugar candies. A bit overrated, in my book, but much reminisced over in pop culture.
Smith Bros. Cough Drops	What, you never got these as a treat from some cheap-ass jokester? Hey, they were really candy, anyway…
Snickers	A Milky Way with peanuts. What will they think of next?
Snowcaps	Nonpareils, mon ami. But of course.
Sour Patch Kids	One of the first seriously sour candies. Frightening, yet compelling.
Squirrel Nut Zippers	Another peanutty taffy thingy. Very popular in the South. Got a band named after 'em.
Squirt	Like Freshen Up, but more hyped.
Starburst	Probably the best known of the fruit taffy chews. Remember when they only came in the yellow wrapper variety?
Starlight peppermints	Okay, whose freakin' grandma put these in here? No, I do not want fresh breath, it's HALLOWEEN for f**k's sake!
Sugar Babies	Mini, even sugary-er Sugar Daddies. Wow. That's a lot of sugar.
Sugar Daddy	A caramelly thing on a stick. You know.
Sugar Mama	A caramelly thing on a stick. Covered in chocolate. That's one sweet chocolate mama!
Swedish Fish	Originally only in red, probably the first popular gummi animal. How… Nordic.
SweeTarts	Like they say, sweet…and tart.
Tangy Taffy	Another taffy, this time from Wonka.
Teaberry gum	What the hell is a teaberry? I don't know. But I feel very sophisticated chewing this gum.
Tidal Wave Bubble Gum	See Squirt and Freshen Up. Enough, already!
Toffifay	Marketed as a premium chocolate, this one captured my snobby little heart with it's "European" flavoured advertisements. A nougat enrobed hazelnut topped with a dollop of chocolate and placed in a caramel cup, it even came in a gold plastic tart-pan setting. Niiiiiiiice.
Tootsie Flavor Rolls	Tootsie rolls in different flavours?! Let me try that…
Tootsie Pop	Mr. Turtle, how many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop? I never made it without biting, ask Mr. Owl. Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop? Let's find out. One… Two-whoooo… Three. CRUNCH! Three. How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop? CRUNCH! The world may never know. P.S.: My favourite flavours are orange and chocolate.
Tootsie Roll	"The world looks mighty good to me, 'cause tootsie rolls are all I see..."
Trident Gum	What the hell are you, a dentist?! See Dentyne.
Twix & Peanut Butter Twix	I just love me some Twix. They came a little late for my trick-or-treating, but I've gotta include them. A cookie covered by caramel and chocolate? Right on. The peanut butter version? Equally good. I tip my hat to you, Mars, Inc.
Wax Bottles, Lips, Fangs, Mustaches, Harmonicas, etc.	Fangs for the memories... Ok, seriously, can there be any doubt that the wax fangs were the best? Oh, sure the bottles had liquid in them and the harmonica could be played, but WAX FANGS? Ruled.
Werther’s candies	Relatively high-quality butterscotches, toffees, and the much coveted Reisen chew. How European!
Whatchamacallit	Another great marketing campaign for this one, a crunchy peanut crisp wafer with caramel and chocolate. I was very much into them for a while.
Whistle Pops	Okay, sugar that makes a piercing noise, and you give it to children. There is a Satan.
Whoppers	I loves me some malted milk. I just do.
Wrigley's gum (Juicy Fruit, Spearmint, Doublemint, Big Red)	Juicy Fruit was the bigger winner in my book, even though it lost its flavour pretty fast. Big Red, however, was popular and benefitted from some good marketing, as did Doublemint. Who knew there were so many blandly attractive twins in the world?
York Peppermint Patties	When I bite into a York Peppermint Patty, I get the sensation that my teeth are rotting out… but I like it!
Zagnut	See Clark, 5th Avenue, Butterfinger, etc. This one did benefit from a cool name, though.
Zero Bar	Caramel, peanut butter, almond nougat bar covered with white fudge. Honestly, I rarely saw these things, but they do strike me as a bit weird. Um, okay.

You shrunk my apple head!

How awesome was the Vincent Price Shrunken Head Apple Sculpture Kit? Well, not so awesome if you took away the priceless cover art. (Except it wasn't "priceless" because... aah, nevermind.) BUT, I did get one when I was a kid and, boy howdy, did I have fun makin' me some shrunken apple heads!

Alas, the kit took forever to dry apples, and the craft supplies included ran out quickly, especially if you were the OCD-type kid I was and had to design complete outfits and accessories for your apple heads. But, with my sister's help, I later discovered that you could actually shrink apple heads in the oven!

For a quick and dirty lesson, check out this amusing article at x-entertainment. It may be a little TOO quick and dirty - I'd like to think my childhood creations were more impressive, but it might be just the thing for a drunken night with friends.

And while you're there, check out the article on Pet Costumes featuring a Mingo look-alike (only... less... husky). Great funny stuff on that site in general.

Later.