Thursday, April 19, 2012

Back? Maybe? Kinda?

OK, so the whole other blog thing didn't work out. I'm just gonna transfer the posts I had there below this one. So, if you're interested, keep scrollin'.

Am I blogging again?  I dunno.  I do have a blog for my business, which remains completely disconnected from my identity here because, hello? The Internet is full of spies? I mean, you know your next job interviewer/loan officer/dominatrix is going to Google you at some point, and then you'll have to explain yourself.  And also prove you're a U.S. citizen, change all you credit cards, and/or go on the run, because someone else now has your identity... and maybe your wife, too.

Anyhoo, mainly I'm just popping in because I'm so delighted to see FirstNations has been blogging again.  Not that there's any point in anyone else blogging once she is, because she's just that good, but... well, you know.  I'm always hoping I'll improve, or something.  Or maybe get all evil and leech on society and get lots of money. I'm still working it out.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Just in time for the holidays...

Stressed out?  Life too busy?  Afraid you may murder your own children?

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Christmas in New York

You know when you see someone slumped over on the subway, and you can't tell if they're asleep, passed out or dead?  And all the other passengers are furtively looking around like "I'm not going to check him, YOU check him," because nobody wants to get projectile vomited on or touch a dead guy?  Or worse, they're thinking "I need to get somewhere, I don't have the time to stop to report some dead guy and talk to the cops about it," or "thanks a lot for taking up two seats, stupid dead guy."  What do you do?

Well, happy holidays, y'all.

Psst... I've got a new blog.

I don't know why. I just thought I'd start anew with a blog that will only include silliness. Here's the address:

That is all.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Da Nator's Definitive Halloween Candy List: The Resurrection

Well, I don't generally post to this old blog anymore, but I've received some requests to post the old candy list this year. So, here it is.As usual, my disclaimer is that it features the major candy food groups of my youth, and therefore your definitive list may vary depending on your age and where you grew up. What would you add or remove?

$100,000 Bar Chewy caramel, milk chocolate and crispy crunchies. Later changed to "100 Grand," which annoyed me, 'cause I liked the old jingle.

3 Musketeers

Puffy nougat covered in milk chocolate. Light and sweet. The major appeal for me was the cool Musketeers emblem. I always wanted to be a Musketeer. (Note: the picture of the three musketeers has since been updated, then removed on the new wrappers. Feh - Change is bad!)

5th Avenue Probably my favourite of the crunchy peanut stuff in chocolate variety, just because of the swank name and wrapper design.

Almond Joy & Mounds Because sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't! Have I mentioned I really dig coconut?

Apple Watch out for razor blades!

Astro Pops I know a kid on Gun Hill Road who got his eye put out by one of those things!

Atomic Fire Balls The classic hot cinnamon ball of the time. Only a quick burn before you got to the sweet part.

Bar None bar A brief-lived chocolate, wafer and nut bar. Pretty good.

Baby Ruth Nuts, caramel and chocolate, in a fetching red-white-and-blue wrapper. The most interesting thing about this candy bar is the controversy over its name.

Bazooka gum
Rock hard and covered in powder, an American classic. Came with cartoon strips that were never funny, and offers for items in exchange for 7 bajillion wrappers. Did anyone ever send in for those things?

BB Bat Hard taffy on a stick, like a fruity Sugar Daddy. Acceptable.

Beeman's gum (Blackjack, Clove & regular) VERY rare in my era of Trick-or-Treating but classic. Either you love 'em or you hate 'em. I fall on the loving side.

Big League Chew "The Original Tobacco style Bubble Gum!" Shredded gum in a pouch originally invented to turn ballplayers off from tobacco, but actually a great way to train your kids for the weed and the throat cancer. The best part of this was the ad campaign of ball players playing ball and blowing huge bubbles, and the drawings on the pouches that looked like they were by one of the Mad magazine illustrators.

Bit O Honey Almond bits blended into a honey flavored taffy. A danger to your fillings but sooooo addictive! If you were lucky enough to get a whole bar of these divided by the distinctive interwoven wax paper, you might try to save some for later - but always fail.

Blow Pops The classic sugary bubble gum inside a lollipop. A bit sweet for me, but fondly remembered.

Bonkers Your basic extremely artificial "fruit chew". Like Starbursts, but cheaper and waxier.

Boston Baked Beans Mere candy coated peanuts, yet somehow better than the sum of their parts. The colonial brick-style packaging whispered of patriotism in the bicentennial era. Seriously awesome.

Bottle Caps Sugar candy shaped like bottle caps. Some people loved 'em. To me? No big whoop.

Bubble Gum Cigars Another training device for smokers, these were generally made of low-class gum, although the banana variety was intriguing. Chocolate cigars also existed, but were rarer in Trick-or-Treat bags.

Bubble Yum One of the many of the multi-variety gums that came out during the 80s bubble-blowing-contest craze. Innocent times, man. Probably my favourite of the type.

Bubblicious Another of the big bubble gums.

Butterfinger A version of the crunchy peanut bar covered in chocolate. A bit crisper and sweeter than some of the others. Maybe too much so for me.

Butterscotch An olde-timey favourite, whether in disks, rectangles, balls or squares.

Candy Buttons Dots Oh, yeeaaahhh! Suckin' the nasty cardboard-y sugar from the soggy paper! Rock the f**k ON!

Candy & Bubble Gum Cigarettes Came in all different kinds of packaging designed to look like popular deathstick brands. Tasted like crap, but they made you look too cool and grown-up to resist.

Candy Corn
Dare I say it? THE ULTIMATE HALLOWEEN CANDY. Brach's is the hands-down favourite version, made softer and richer with a touch of honey. "Indian" candy corn and even pumpkin and other novelty shapes are acceptable for kitsch value, but the standard orange, yellow and white type is still number one. Which section of each kernel do you eat first?

Candy Necklaces and Bracelets The number one way to be stylin' AND chip-toothed.

Charleston Chew Sort of a taffy-ish nougat in vanilla, chocolate or strawberry, covered in chocolate. They were a favourite with my older siblings, especially frozen into cement-like blocks. Not high on my list back then, but bring some nostalgia.

Charms Square hard fruit candies. Whatever. Good name, though.

Cherry Clan
Ooh, me so racist! Like other candies in the Lemonheads family (Alexander the Grape and Johnny Apple Treats), they were later renamed to go with the group, in this case to "Cherryheads." But who can forget the slanty-eyed little blobs in straw coolie hats? I think I was horrified even then.

Chiclets The name and advertising made them seem so fun, but really? Just little rectangles of hard gum. What a disappointment.

Chick-O-Sticks Apparently, these were quite popular with some people. I don't know if I ever ate one as a child, as the once or twice I got one I mistakenly took it for a cylindrical form of Chicken-in-a-Biskit and traded them off.

Chocodiles Yes, one did occasionally get snack cakes in one's treat bag (or jack-o-lantern shaped plastic bucket, as the case may be), and if one did, it was most likely these, due to their popularity and the fact that they came in single packets. Basically a Twinkie covered in chocolate, but definitely a product kids of my generation were screaming for after seeing the lovable cartoon crocodile mascot, "Chauncey."

Choward's Violet gum and candies Not common in trick-or-treat sacks but a classic nonetheless. Taste like that perfume you were given as a kid. No, not the Love's Baby Soft, the Violet! Duh.

Chuckles Your standard sugar coated jelly-gum drops. Bleah.

Chunky Ah, yes. Your basic huge block of chocolate. My favourite was the raisin and nut variety. Open Wide For Chunky!

Circus Peanuts Evil. EEEEE-VIIIILLLLL!!!

Clark Bar Another one in the vein of 5th Avenue and Butterfinger. I believe this is the earliest version, though. Nice wrapper.

Cow Tails I didn't get many of these, but they are basically a long version of the Goetze's Caramel Creams. I never was sure whether I found the name attractive or off-putting.

Cracker Jack Not usually found in treat bags as the boxes were pretty big, but OH BOY if you got one! Slightly over-caramelized sugar on popcorn with peanuts, AND a surprise treat with a joke or riddle. Too bad the surprises have been getting lamer and lamer as time goes by.

Dentyne What the…? You've been given adult cinnamon gum! KAAAAHHHHHNNN!!!

Dots Another gum drop incarnation of the slightly firmer type. Meh.

Dubble Bubble Remember when you used to, like, blow a big bubble? And then, no wait, you would, like, blow ANOTHER big bubble INSIDE of that one? Yeah. You could do it with any other bubble gum, too.

Dum Dum Pops Does it get any more iconic?

Root Beer, butterscotch and cream soda flavours were high on my list, but who could resist the mysterious "?" flavour?

Freshen Up A gum with a syrupy liquid inside. The commercials made it look like a huge burst of flavour. Not so much.

Fruit Stripe Gum Yipes, stripes! It's Fruit Stripe gum!! SOOOO awesome. That zebra! Those stripes! That strikingly tart-sweet fake fruit flavour that fades in seconds! And later on it came with temporary tattoos?! Bow before their majesty.

Garbage Pail Candy Hard, sour candy shaped like various pieces of garbage that came in a small replica of a garbage can. Dig it.Not to be confused with…

Garbage Pail Kids Candy A chewy candy that came with a card featuring one of the popular 80s gross-out cartoon characters, the Garbage Pail Kids. These kids were a phenomenon born from an unholy union of Rat Fink and Cabbage Patch Dolls. Not my cup of tea, but very popular. Note: and yes, there was a Garbage Pail Kids movie.

GatorGum Gum made to taste like Gatorade. Hmm. Do I hate it, or do I love it? Well, I'll keep trying it to make up my mind.

Gobstopper Otherwise known as the Everlasting Gobstopper. Balls made up of layers of candy that change colours AND flavours as you suck them away. Pure genius!

Goetze's Caramel Creams Now this is old school, son. A little carboard-y, a lot sweet, 100% memory lane.

Goldenberg's Peanut Chews
I think I just had an orgasm. Again, like the caramel creams, a bit oddly carboard-y, but rich and addictive. Slightly bitter dark chocolate surrounding a fudgy chopped peanut filling. And who else has the guts to include a name like "Goldenberg" in their candy's moniker? NB: Since the original writing of this list, the Goldenberg company changed the old, familiar packaging to a new vesion and then sold the chews to Just Born candies of Peeps fame. I miss the old version, but anything related to Peeps can't be all bad.

Goobers Chocolate covered peanuts. Better known as movie snacks. 'nuff said.

Good & Fruity Cylindrical fruit gummi chews with a resistant coating. See Mike & Ikes. Meh.

Good & Plenty Charlie says: Love my Good & Plenty! The much loved licorice in snazzy white and pink candy coating. Not the most decadent of candies, but very classy.

Gummi Bears The first of the multi-flavour gummi incarnations. At one time, they were positively ubiquitous.

Gummi Worms A later gummi item. Softer and more popular amongst some kids due to the gross-out factor. Gummi continued to spawn umpteenthousand varities, with no doubt some gummi gonads in there somewhere.

Heath Bar A nut toffee bar with a slightly burnt taste, covered in chocolate. A more adult item, which made one feel classy because it contained the word "English" in the description.

Hershey's varieties (milk chocolate, dark chocolate, Mr. Goodbar, Krackel & various Kisses) Do I really need to elaborate, here? Standard fare. Big points for the special dark and Mr. Goodbars, especially since your friend at school told you that Mr. Goodbar was named after a dirty movie.

Hot Tamales Hot cinnamon version of Ike & Mikes… or is that Good & Fruity?

Hubba Bubba Another big-bubble gum, this time with cowboys in the commercials. I do think this one had the most flavours, though.

Ice Cubes Basically a cube of smooth, decent chocolate. Hmm.

Jaw Breakers Ow! OwOwOW! I bit through it!

Jelly Bellies jelly beans
A bit more of an Easter snack, but well loved for its many varieties, despite the fact that it got tied in with Ronald Reagan, somehow.

Jelly Rings Ew.

Jolly Ranchers You know you traded them at school. What beats watermelon? Sour apple, my friend. Sour apple.

Junior Mints More movie oriented, but enjoyed in your treat box. (Did that just sound dirty?)

Jujubes A firm fruit gum drop.

Jujyfruits <Coach Z voice> Jeeorrgyfruits! </Coach Z voice> A firm fruit gum drop, but I think shaped like fruits. I don't know, I always traded 'em.

Kit Kat Gimme a break! Wafers and milk chocolate. Not high up there, but the chocolate was deceptively good.

Kits Taffy Weird little low-quality taffy bits. Why did we love them so?

Laffy Taffy Kicks Kits' butt, if just for the name alone. Not to mention the greater size.

Lemonheads (+Grapeheads and Appleheads) A series of slightly sour hard sucker candies. Lemonheads was the first and most popular. Also see Cherry Clan.

Lifesavers Oh, you know. The only cool part was when you got something like Wint-O-Green so you could try to make sparks in your mouth or Butter Rum so you could think "Oooh, I'm eating RUM and my parents don't know it!"

Lifesaver Lollipops Do they still make these? Remember when they came in swirled flavours? Good times. The Crème Savers are just not the same. Bring them back.

Lik-M-Aid (now called "Fun Dip") Wait, you get a stick of sugar, and you get to cover it in spit and then dunk into different varieties of sweet-sour powder? I am SO THERE.

M&Ms (plain and peanut) Old faithful. You know 'em. But remember when they were tan and not red?

Mallow Cup Truly seems like a candy Homer Simpson would have invented.

Marathon 1 inch by 8 inches of braided caramel covered with milk chocolate. Delicious, but discontinued. Now available as the "Curly Wurly." Who thought that one up?

Mars Bars Kind of like a milky way with almonds. Originally more often found in the UK.

Mary Janes Most people hated them, but I loved them. That peanutty taffy goodness! That coy, come-hither look on the little girl's face! Definitely a treat for a developing lesbian. Or a pedophile... did I go too far?

Melster Peanut Butter Kisses Much like Mary Janes, but with no name on 'em. Oh, come on, you remember them. They came in orange waxy twisted wrappers. Yes, they had a name. Yes, usually old people gave them out. Remember now?

Mike & Ike See Good & Fruity.

Milk Duds Chocolate sacs filled with milky caramel goodness! What's not to love? (Shut up, Bunche.)

Milky Way You got your nougat, your caramel and your chocolate. Next.

Necco Wafers Why? Why on God's green Earth are these so beloved? I would have used them as poker chips, if they didn't all break in the bottom of my bag.

Neopolitan Coconut candies I know, ew. But, kinda yum, too.

Nerds A box with two separated flavours and some cute little cartoons really sold this one. Admit it - you loved 'em.

Nestlé Crunch (Yawn.) Moving along…

Now and Laters Eat some now and save some for later? Yeah, right. These rocked with a severe righteousness. Also, you could build up a little business of selling off the singles from the packs at a ridiculous markup to desperate kids in the cafeteria. What? No, I didn't end up a Wall Street trader…

Oh, Henry! Kind of like a Goldenberg's Peanut Chew, but bigger, sweeter and softer. Another one that's had some controversy over its name.

Palmer's Chocolates You know the ones. Those little balls or discs covered in brightly decorated seasonal foil wrappers. You open them up and… the chocolate is seriously foul. They also made those chocolate footballs - you know, the ones that always ended up at the bottom of the bag as the dregs? I hear Palmer's has improved a lot since back then, but for now all ridiculously bad and disappointing off-brand chocolates will retain the name "Palmer's" in my mind.

Pay Day Gotta love me some peanuts. Of course, you can simulate these with a bowl of candy corn mixed with Planter's.


Planter's Peanut Bar Your basic very peanutty brittle thingy. Satisfying.

Pop Rocks
Yes, they rocked. No, Mikey didn't die by eating them with Coke. Haven't you watched VH1?

Push Pops I don't know. These seem dangerous, somehow.

Rain-Blo Gum Er. Kinda lame hollow gumballs. Okay.

Raisinets Oh, you know.

Raisins Just... no.

Razzles "…first it's a candy and then it's a gum!" Unfortunately, the whole time it sucks.

Red Vines/Switzer's/Twizzlers Everybody has their favourite version of these, but they're basically red fruity "licorice". Only good in a pinch, as far as I'm concerned.

Reese's Peanut Butter CupsALL HAIL THE REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER CUP!!! So simple yet so perfect in its salty sweet-ness, this was the number one sought-after item in my treat bucket. WOE BE TO THE MAN WHO EATS MY PEANUT BUTTER CUPS! I HAVE SPOKEN!

Reese's Pieces E.T…. phone home… I'm sure Mars, Inc is still kicking themselves.

Reggie Bar Only memorable for having been named for Reggie Jackson.

Ring Pops Candy Bling!

Rolo You can roll a Rolo to your pal… but why would you? Save them all for yourself.

Root Beer Barrels Me and pappy used to suck 'em on th' porch at th' gen'ral store. Pappy liked 'em cause he didn't have no teeth.

Runts What was so good about pressed candy shaped like fruits? I don't know, but didn't you always save your favourite fruits for last?

Sixlets Gum Kind of like Rain-Blo but a bit better, and more attractively packaged, 'cause… there were six.

Skor Bar Another classy toffee bar variety, but this time with a harder butter toffee. And yes, I did know a girl who went on a Skor Bar diet in High School.

Sky Bar This candy bar is divided into four sections with four different centers... caramel, vanilla, peanut and fudge covered in milk chocolate. Pretty awesome, but it would be better if the candy itself were of higher quality.

Little rolls of pill-like sugar candies. A bit overrated, in my book, but much reminisced over in pop culture.

Smith Bros. Cough Drops What, you never got these as a treat from some cheap-ass jokester? Hey, they were really candy, anyway…

Snickers A Milky Way with peanuts. What will they think of next?

Snowcaps Nonpareils, mon ami. But of course.

Sour Patch Kids One of the first seriously sour candies. Frightening, yet compelling.

Squirrel Nut Zippers Another peanutty taffy thingy. Very popular in the South. Got a band named after 'em.

Squirt Like Freshen Up, but more hyped.

Starburst Probably the best known of the fruit taffy chews. Remember when they only came in the yellow wrapper variety?

Starlight peppermints Okay, whose freakin' grandma put these in here? No, I do not want fresh breath, it's HALLOWEEN for f**k's sake!

Sugar Babies Mini, even sugary-er Sugar Daddies. Wow. That's a lot of sugar.

Sugar Daddy A caramelly thing on a stick. You know.

Sugar Mama A caramelly thing on a stick. Covered in chocolate. That's one sweet chocolate mama!

Swedish Fish Originally only in red, probably the first popular gummi animal. How… Nordic.

SweeTarts Like they say, sweet…and tart.

Tangy Taffy Another taffy, this time from Wonka.

Teaberry gum What the hell is a teaberry? I don't know. But I feel very sophisticated chewing this gum.

Tidal Wave Bubble Gum See Squirt and Freshen Up. Enough, already!

Toffifay Marketed as a premium chocolate, this one captured my snobby little heart with its "European" flavoured advertisements. A nougat enrobed hazelnut topped with a dollop of chocolate and placed in a caramel cup, it even came in a gold plastic tart-pan setting. Niiiiiiiice.

Tootsie Flavor Rolls Tootsie rolls in different flavours?! Let me try that…

Tootsie Pop Mr. Turtle, how many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop? I never made it without biting, ask Mr. Owl. Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop? Let's find out. One… Two-whoooo… Three. CRUNCH! Three. How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop? CRUNCH! The world may never know. P.S.: My favourite flavours are orange and chocolate.

Tootsie Roll "The world looks mighty good to me, 'cause tootsie rolls are all I see..."

Trident Gum What the hell are you, a dentist?! See Dentyne.

Twix & Peanut Butter Twix I just love me some Twix. They came a little late for my trick-or-treating, but I've gotta include them. A cookie covered by caramel and chocolate? Right on. The peanut butter version? Equally good. I tip my hat to you, Mars, Inc.

Wax Bottles, Lips, Fangs, Mustaches, Harmonicas, etc.
Fangs for the memories... Ok, seriously, can there be any doubt that the wax fangs were the best? Oh, sure the bottles had liquid in them and the harmonica could be played, but WAX FANGS? Ruled.

Werther’s candies Relatively high-quality butterscotches, toffees, and the much coveted Reisen chew. How European!

Whatchamacallit Another great marketing campaign for this one, a crunchy peanut crisp wafer with caramel and chocolate. I was very much into them for a while.

Whistle Pops Okay, sugar that makes a piercing noise, and you give it to children. There is a Satan.

Whoppers I loves me some malted milk. I just do.

Wrigley's gum (Juicy Fruit, Spearmint, Doublemint, Big Red) Juicy Fruit was the bigger winner in my book, even though it lost its flavour pretty fast. Big Red, however, was popular and benefitted from some good marketing, as did Doublemint. Who knew there were so many blandly attractive twins in the world?

York Peppermint Patties When I bite into a York Peppermint Patty, I get the sensation that my teeth are rotting out… but I like it!

Zagnut See Clark, 5th Avenue, Butterfinger, etc. This one did benefit from a cool name, though.

Zero Bar Caramel, peanut butter, almond nougat bar covered with white fudge. Honestly, I rarely saw these things, but they do strike me as a bit weird. Um, okay.

And that's it! 'til next, spooooky year! WoooooOOOOOOooooo!

Monday, January 26, 2009

What? I Post... Now And Then...

Just popping up inbetween midterms and walking pneumonia (ask me about my "Muttley laugh"!) to share this brilliant video. Enjoy!

Friday, January 16, 2009

Move Along, Nothing to See Here...

So, where I have I been? Working at the toughest fucking two years of school I've ever experienced. I will never make community college jokes again. Graduate school had nothing on this vet tech program. My brain is constantly fried and I am lucky if I have time to scratch my ass in between classes and studying.

I only hope that I am learning the skills and diligence necessary to be a good veterinary nurse. I have a feeling I will not stay in that particular profession for long, but I have learned more and more how important it is to be at your best at all times to provide the best possible care and comfort in a medical profession. Also, you have to be able to put up with a lot of shit, both metaphorical and literal. If it's not shoveling puppy poo, it's dealing with people so obnoxious you can't believe they haven't been killed by somebody, yet (and they may yet be, before long). One of my instructors seems to have dedicated her life to making people miserable. I imagine that once I get into practice, there will be the usual asshole clients, supervisors and coworkers. But once I graduate and pass my state exams, I will gladly exercise my right to fight back or quit if anyone ever treats me that way again. Until then, I remain quiet and persevere.

So, that's my life in a nutshell. Mrs. Nator is fine, still keeping out an eye for that dream job. We have a warm apartment and the cats and turtles are all as neurotic as ever. In a few days, we will have the first ever black president of the U.S., which is still amazing, even if we are mad at uncle Barry for Rick Warren.

Maybe I will get more time in the future to re-instate this blog. In the meantime, peace to you all and try not to do anything stupid.


- DN