My Latest Project: Done!

Something Funny Happened On The Way To New Jersey...

We were supposed to start our get-away yesterday, but...

I got insomnia and tummy problems...

The toilet seat and flushing mechanism both broke...

BOTH turtle tank filters broke, one in a way that I was unable to fix it...

Our cat Maurice is supposed to spend the time we are away in medical boarding at the hospital where I work. Do you think he has magic voodoo powers keeping us home?

Fuck. We're Back.

Fresh lychee breakfasts while watching sea turtles and tropical fish frolic from our balcony.

Snorkeling, snorkeling and more snorkeling.

Semi-successful sea kayaking (sure, we tipped over, but at least we didn't try to drown each other in a panic like one of the other couples).

Scenic hiking to a secluded spot ringed by lava rocks, coconut palms and basking green turtles.

Reeeeally good potato-mac salad.

SCUBA diving for the first time (with sharks!)

Sunset tropical cocktails at Don the Beachcomber's.

Frolics on scenic and secluded beaches.

Traversing several climate zones to partake in scenic views (mostly of cows).

Minor nervous breakdown while realizing one's own universal insignificance while hiking across a huge volcanic caldera full of baby Earth.

First helicopter flight - over flowing lava!

Approximately one squillion photos and videos of trip to go through.

Airplane breakdown and weather resulting in over 48 hours of travel home, including a forced layover in scenic Pittsburgh, PA.

Return to very happy cats and very stinky apartment.

Mrs. Nator's newly hired staff member emailing that he won't be able to take the job after all, as his partner has been transferred.

Landlords claiming that we will have to pay for damages to the drop ceiling of the apartment below due to a minor amount of water getting through the floor that they've known for years is hole-ridden subflooring that funnels any spills right through.

Trying to figure out if I'll get student loans, how to register on Wednesday and how the hell I can start making at least $400 per week immediately.

... any questions?

Update

Good news! The doctor has okayed me to go SCUBA diving, and I think I've almost convinced Mrs. Nator to let me do it. Keep those WooOOOnnns coming!

In other news, I still have to clean the entire house tomorrow. That's over 1100 square feet of cat fur, kitty litter dust and highway grit. And that doesn't even count the de-pornifying. I love my mother-in-law and we get along famously, but damn.

Have I mentioned the new bed is HUGE? The cats still haven't figured out a way to get up on it.

Later, taters...

Sundry

Giant-Ass Bed

Well, we done dood it. We finally got a new bed. King size, in fact. Simmons firm plush top, so it's steady with all those little coils, but the top gives.

It is HYOOOOGE. Like, I have to hop up to get my butt on it, and my legs dangle way off the ground. It's not a California King, because apparently 1-800-MATTRES leaves those on the West Coast, along with leaving off the last S for Savings. I think it will accommodate Mrs. Nator in all her lengthy glory, however. She can make up the couple inches of length by lying more diagonally.

Spending the money was scary, but with both of our backs giving out at times, it had to be done. Now we just have to try to keep the cats away from it, other than when we're in it. They're traumatized enough already by the movers schlepping it in. Anyone know how to rig up a boat horn to a pressure-sensitive mattres(s) pad?

Happy Pride

I guess. I dunno. I am so old and nest-y, I can't be bothered. Do I really want to sweat for hours watching a parade and then wander around trying to find a place to get a drink? No.

Wish Me Luck

on two things coming up. The first is today, when I have my exam to see if it's okay for me to take a beginning SCUBA class. I really want to take one in Hawaii. However, since I fat, lazy, on prescription drugs and have had spinal surgery, I have to get the okay from my doctor. I'll also be getting a blood test to make sure I got my measles-mumps-rubella vaccinations, because I have to verify that before I register for classes. I'm not worried about that, though. I just want my doctor to look at the SCUBA form while I'm there and tell me I'm healthy enough to do it. WoooOOOOnnns, please!

The second is cleaning for my mother-in-law's visit. She's coming on Wednesday, and thus far, I have been having a hard time getting my ass in gear. It's just pure procrastination stemming from feeling overwhelmed at how grubby this place is. There's no cure for my laziness long-term, I suspect, but a little boost of WoooOOOnns for one task couldn't hurt.

And that's it for now. I feel as though I've become rather boring, lately. Sorry if I have - there's just been a lot to do in preparation for school, mom-in-law's visit and Hawaii. My brain is rarely in the now, because I'm so excited about the close future. I guess if you're really bored, 1. fuck you, schmendrick & 2. you can go look at slideshows of my trip to the NY Botanical Garden or my visit with my sister, bro-in-law and the niece and nephew. I'm out!

She No Likey

We are well-meaning, we really are. But our critters don't care.

Case in point, our female turtle, Edamame. By all general measures, she has thrived. She has grown to large, may we say giant-ass, proportions, has her own 90 gallon tank (since she evicted Aubergine, the boy turtle, by repeatedly biting chunks out of his butt), a nice, hard shell, a good diet, etc. But the one thing she will not do is lay eggs.

"But Nator," you ask, "why should that turtle lay eggs if she doesn't want to, much less hasn't even been fertilized by a male turtle?" Well, I'll tell you, you ignorant slut. Like chickens, lady turtles produce eggs whether they are fertilized are not. Also like chickens, they like a dry, warm place to lay their eggs. Unfortunately, unlike chickens, lady turtles spend most of their time swimming in water, or basking on hard surfaces. In the wild, they would find a patch of loose dirt or sand not far from their pond, dig down a ways and let 'er rip. But in a captive environment, you need to furnish them with some sort of nesting area, because if they don't lay, the eggs get all calcified and hard inside the lady turtle, taking up space where, say, lady turtle organs should be. Not good.

In our case, constructing some kind of land/water hybrid terrarium was an overwhelming prospect. So, we figured we'd do as some other folks do and get Ms. Eddie a box full of loose earth where she could spend some quiet time laying her eggs. Of course, it can't just be any box of dirt. It's got to be big enough to hold her giant ass and then some, so she can turn around, and full of enough loose dirt that she can dig down all the way the length of her giant-ass shell. And the dirt has to be the right texture, plus free of outside organisms that might put an indoor-raised turtle's immune system into a frenzy, so you have to buy some kind of special amphibian dirt from the pet store. The most common and economical kind is not really dirt at all, but blocks of dehydrated coconut husks, which you soak in water and then dry out to form a loose, dirt-ish, fibrous substance that turtles can dig in. And that's what we done done. Done dood. Whatever.

The problem is, Eddie hates it. She doesn't like being taken out of her tank (and her giant ass is matched by a giant, bitey mouth on the other end), she doesn't like going in the box, she doesn't like the coconut husks and she most certainly doesn't like staying in the box. So, rather than relaxing and laying her eggs, Ms. Eddie tries repeatedly to escape, almost succeeding, until we put something heavy on the top of it. She then gets quiet - ominously quiet - until you think something's wrong in there, like she suffocated herself or something. So you go and check on her and she just glares at you, like she is the most abused creature ever and you are the worst being in the world. Then if you seal her up again she tries to escape some more, until you give up, rinse the coating of coconut husks off her and put her back in her tank. Results? No eggs, no how, no doin'.

Also? After a few days sitting around? Rehydrated coconuts husks smell.

Let me out of thees box, you stupeed human! I keel you! And get thees atrocious, smelly coconuts off me!

Meanwhile, Aubergine has just gotten used to having her big tank to cavort in (where he's gotten play time, since he's normally confined to the small tank, away from her bitey mouth), but now you have to go scoop him out and confine him again, making him fear you like the giant, mammalian, probable turtle-eater that you are. All in all, you are a Bad Mommy, and whenever the turtles get to the turtle afterlife, they're going to tell on you to St. Peter or St. Francis or the Keymaster of Gozer or whoever and generally make sure you become a shish kabob when you arrive, yourself.

I has a big tank!

But, there's nothing for it. For now, we have to keep on trying, to see if maybe she gets used to it eventually and squirts out some huevos. If that doesn't happen, at some point we will have to haul her into an "exotic" specialist vet to get some x-rays taken, to make sure that she hasn't gotten impacted. And if she has? Extremely expensive and risky turtle surgery, or probable death. Hooray!

So all y'all out there who feel for critters, please send us wooOOOOoons of egg-laying, now and then, to encourage Ms. Eddie to freakin' save her own life. We hate to scare her by putting her in the box - fear is not good for turtles' immune systems, either - but we don't have much choice.

Unless anyone out there has a nice, clean home pond they'd want some turtles for? Anyone? Bueller...?

He No Likey

Maurice does not like it when there is a thunderstorm.

Maurice does not like it when you run the wet vac machine.

Maurice ESPECIALLY does not like it when he hides from the thunderstorm, and you scare him out of his hidey-hole to retrieve the wet vac machine, and then RUN IT FOR HALF AN HOUR.

Maurice thinks he will find a novel and surprising new place to void his bladder.

Just you wait and see.

"I am NOT one of your FANS!"

Things To Do When You're Unemployed

The Brooklyn Cherry Project

Done just for a giggle, but there are a few interesting photos among the lot, there.

Ca Plane Pour Moi

Greetings, Natorettes. Let's catch up on what's been going on in Natorland, shall we?

1. We're not sick anymore! First I had a lingering stomach bug, then Mrs. Nator got it. Thank goodness that's over.

2. Our bathroom is mostly done! It's not exactly as we'd like it: our landlords installed bone white tiling and then painted the new walls and trim in blinding white, so it clashes. They're also insisting it should stay that way, using the excuse that it's "authentic to the period of the building." This is silly, as not only do we have a clause in our lease saying we can paint, but according to catalogues I've seen of era bathrooms (around 1906), they usually had white tiling but different coloured walls. Let's face it, if they wanted it to be authentic, they wouldn't have put in sheetrock or cheap new fixtures and the paint would have had lead in it.

We don't have the energy to contest it, anyway. We're just glad everything seems to work. We'll spruce it up with some nice accessories and leave it at that.

3. My job situation is changing! I had a good talk with my boss, and it looks like they'll have someone new ready for me to train within the next two or three weeks. She'd be happy to be a reference for me and so forth, so all is good on that front. However, as you all know by now, I'm not entirely certain if I want to transfer right to another website job. So, I'm taking a couple different approaches.

In the first approach, I've bought a bunch of web-software related books to update my skillz and am working on an online portfolio. This covers things if I decide I should get a job or temp in this area, once I'm a bit over the burnout of my current occupation. (And let's face it, I'm burned out. What Web Producer worth her salt doesn't realize her blog is appearing strangely on FireFox for months, and still doesn't have the entergy to fix the formatting on her comments page?)

In the second, I spoke to some folks at the awesome new veterinary clinic we took The Schmoo to (she's fine, BTW, just has a little OCD that's making her lick her belly bald), and it looks like I'm going to start interning there in a couple weeks. The head of the clinic said that if it all works out they are definitely looking to hire vet techs, so if I like it and they like me, it may have been the easiest job interview I've ever had.

Ms. Nator is very excited about the vet clinic position. She loves the vibe at the place and is really hoping I will find this new direction makes me happy. I am cautiously optimistic, on my part - very cautiously. I'm glad I'm going to try it out and see what's what, though. The only problem will be if HR at my old job tries to dick me over regarding my unemployment, but I'm hoping that after my discussion with my boss where she said expressly that she would advocate for me with them, that won't happen.

4. Lastly, we're taking a little vacation! Yes, this is probably very financially irresponsible, considering my present employment situation. But, we both need it badly and hey, we'd just about paid off our credit cards, anyway, so away we go.

I wanted to go to a nice, warm beach somewhere, but time and monetary restraints ruled that out. As for going somewhere close to the city, it's just as expensive as going elsewhere in the U.S., if not more so, so we're off to Montréal for four nights in a couple weeks. Yes, it will be cold, but we got an excellent deal on a great hotel, and Mrs. Nator says she will probably want to spend a good amount of the trip lolling in bed, soaking in a jet-tub, getting massages, etc. She's never been, but I remember from my visit there in high school, that when I wasn't drunk or performing in a singing competition (or both), it's a very nice city, with a European feel to some parts of it. I think it will be a nice little getaway, both as a stress reliever for her, and a transitory cushion for me to temporary unemployment. Also, I can start saying everything in an outrageous accent. Zout alors!

So now you know what I've been up to during the radio silence around this blog. Now I can get back to posting stupid commentary and silly pictures!

Fun With Home Repair

Since I was home sick yesterday, I got to experience first-hand what the contractors are doing in our apartment (and, by sound, what they’re doing to our downstairs neighbours’ apartment, too).

They were supposed to be there at 8:00 am and leave at 5:00 pm with a functioning bathroom (i.e. one in which we could use the toilet and shower) in their wake. They didn’t show until around 10:00, which was fine, as I was working through a fevered sleep and a half-bottle of bismuth at the time, but it was less convenient when I was still begging them to finish up at 6:30, before my colon exploded. There was a tense period where I thought I’d have to decide between getting an assfull of dirt and plaster dust, or trying to clean off the toilet seat and possibly re-plastering the walls with my own special brew, but I made it just in time.

The toilet and shower do work – although I immediately had to clean them, and the plastic sheeting draping them makes attempting to shower feel like being slowly laminated. The walls are… well, let’s just say they’re olde-timey. As in, the slats and horsehair plaster have been exposed, then most of the plaster disintegrated, leaving a frontier bathhouse sort of feel. On inspecting the condition of the plaster (look! It’s got hunks of actual horse hair in it!) and wood, I suspect they haven’t been touched since the building was built, sometime around 1900. Layer after layer of plaster and paint had just been slapped on top of them for the last hundred-odd years. No big surprise considering the shape we’ve found the rest of the place in.

While I don’t think horsehair plaster is as evil compared to sheetrock as this guy does, he’s got a point in that it’s incredibly messy. I doubt the contractors had much trouble removing ours, considering its deterioration, but the dust is pernicious. Even with plastic sheeting everywhere, we were hacking and sneezing all morning, and the cats, once roused from the protective flanks of their Mommy Who Would Defend Them From The Strange, Noisy Men, quickly became coated. That’s the most troubling part to me, so if you hear I’ve become rich after inventing a claw-proof filter mask for pets, you will know the inspiration. As it is, they won’t even stay out of the piles of debris when we try to isolate them. (“What’s this? Some kind of chemical-soaked rag? I must roll in it!”)

At any rate, with a much improved stomach and most of the dust hacked out, getting to work was actually something of a relief this morning, considering I have the detritus of sheetrocking to look forward to tonight.

Until I discovered they are doing construction on the office next to mine.

Technorati tags: rant, stress, plaster, contruction, contractors, cats