Friday, May 11, 2007

That's It

I'm tired of feeling crappy and stuck over my unemployment. It's what I wanted, right? I know this is going to lead to something better. So why am I constantly stressed?

The way I see it, I'm dealing with some bad long-standing views including low self-esteem and a feeling that I don't deserve and/or can't possibly get things that make me happy. Which is silly, since I know I'm smart and already have a great partner, pets, apartment, friends, family, etc.

The other thing is that I have a couple different strong desires. The first is to do something new that makes me happy, which seems to be pointing me towards a low-paying job for a while. The other desire is to be financial stable and responsible. These seem, in my mind, diametrically opposed. No matter how many times Mrs. Nator reminds me that it's only within the last six months that she started making more money than me, or assures me that, as her career advances, she is perfectly happy for me to make much less money than her, as long as I'm doing something I like, it's still hard for me to reconcile these things.

It's not some macho thing where I feel I must make more than her, mind you. It's more a holdover of the poverty mentality I grew up with that gets me. How can I be worth anything if I'm not "pulling my weight" financially? How can I anyone love me? How can I feel safe?

Blah blah blah: same shit, different day. But I've come to the following (obvious) realizations in the past day or two:

1.) As I do whenever I feel rejected, once I learned full time hours wouldn't be offered to me at the vet clinic, I decided that wasn't the path for me and tried to eradicate the idea of vet teching as a possible career from my mind. (This is one reason why I'm not friends with any of my exes, either. That and they were all bitches - *rimshot*!)

2.) That's stupid.

3.) The idea of working on the computer a lot, even doing freelance, makes me queasy at this point. Once I sit down to the computer, I have a hard time pulling away. I've spent the last ten years in front of a computer, getting fat and disassociated from real life. I need to try something new.

4. Hey, I was really excited about working with animals!

5. Even if I'm convinced it won't pay enough or it probably won't satisfy me for life, that doesn't mean I have to dismiss it as something to try for now.

6.) Therefore, there's no reason I can't try to vet teching somewhere, PT or FT, as long as I get over my own head games.

The only spanner in the works here (besides my neuroses) is my trepidation over working for a low salary screwing up my unemployment in the long run. Mrs. Nator has promised to go over a spreadsheet of our budget with me this weekend to try to convince me it CAN be done (without me being a terrible person who is a bum and she decides to leave for being a slacker, etc.).

Finally, in order to pull myself together, I've decided it's time to go see my Reiki master for a session. I've posted before about how helpful work with her can be, but I tend to avoid it when I'm feeling all agnostic, depressive and like a spiritual failure; which is, naturally, just when it would be best for me to go see her. Whatever it is she does, it usually unclogs me, emotionally speaking, and I need that right now. It's time to stop worrying and take some action - and that doesn't mean pursuing a job I think will make money just because it's what I've been doing for years, even though I hate it. (Or, you know, procrastinating on that pursuit because even thinking about doing FT computer work right now gives me hives.)

Wish me luck. I suspect I may be all woo-woo for a while after my appointment next Friday. You have been warned.


Dope On The Slope said...

a feeling that I don't deserve and/or can't possibly get things that make me happy

The fact that you can maintain a perspective on just how fortunate you really are tells me you'll get through this.

But, oh, those evil little swallows. That's what my granny called negative thinking. Whenever I had depressed or "sick" thoughts when I was a kid I confide in her that my thoughts scared me. She would always say "it doesn't matter how many swallows fly over the barn, it only matters how many settle in to roost."

But damned if they don't seem to be roosting sometimes. Maybe a mental mongoose will flush 'em out of there.

My thoughts are with you. Missed you at the Blogfest last night as well.

Doug said...

I'll be thinking about you, too. And if you two work through the finances and see your way clear, why NOT do something low-paying that makes you happy? You'll both be happier for it, I suspect.

claire said...

just keep plugging along. if you figure out that your budget allows you to work PT or FT with less pay, then i would absolutely do it. Yes, it may make it necessary to lose some of the luxuries you've become accustomed to, but if you're happier in the long run it is totally worth it.

though, that might mean less vacations... that's something to think about.

Helen the Felon said...

Hang in there, doll. You have a choice as to whether you hold on to those neuroses and negative thoughts. I hope you choose not to, because without them, someone as intelligent & compassionate as you could accomplish anything. You've helped inspire me and I'm sure many others...time to do the same favor for yourself. (Easier said than done, I know. But you will get there.)

Come on...If my fat lazy ass can get off this chair and go back to school, you can do whatever you want.