Monday, March 27, 2006

The Kiss of Wha...?

Apparently it is now alright for me to kiss Mrs. Nator anywhere except in the gym. I discovered this suddenly one day recently when I visited her near the cross-country ski machines to tell her I was done with my workout and heading home. Leaning in to plant a peck on her I got the full-on head snap backwards and fart-smell face. I immediately assumed I must be in the proverbial doghouse.

Me: What's the matter? Do I smell bad?
Mrs. D: No, you never smell bad. [Ed. - it's true!]
Me: Are you mad at me or something?
Mrs. D.: No. Just... don't.
Me: Don't what?
Mrs. D: Don't kiss me. No PDA here.
Me: ...uh, why?
Mrs. D: Because I feel it's inappropriate and kinda gross.
Me: <pause of confusion> Since when?

Here I feel obligated to point out that not only had I given her kisses at the gym several times before quite recently - all very polite and tongue-free, mind you - but we actually have had arguments in the past because I felt that she was way more into PDA than I felt comfortable sharing. In fact, I'd say that one of the first big disagreements we had in our relationship revolved around this, as on our second or possibly first date (that's another disagreement we may never resolve) she got three sheets to the wind and repeatedly groped me at a party full of co-workers. She was embarassed in retrospect, but insisted I should actually be flattered that she couldn't wait to touch me. Which, yeah, but now what's with the no-dry-kissing-even-on-the-cheek biz?


Mrs. D: Because the other day I saw a heterosexual couple being all schmoopy and gross at the gym and I realized just how rude it is.
Me: Oh... but... I just wanted a little kiss, not making out or anything.
Mrs. D: No.
Me: But, okay, say you saw two cute gay boys here together, and one gave the other a little kiss, wouldn't you think that was all romantic and stuff? You'd loooooove that.
Mrs. D.: Well, of course, yes, but that's different.
Me: Because they're gay.
Mrs D.: Yes.
Me: Well, we're gay...
Mrs D.: Look, I just can't explain it, but if I think it's rude and gross for a straight couple to do it, then it's not fair for me to do it, too, so I just don't want to.
Me: O...Kay. But... only at the gym?
Mrs D.: Well, yes.
Me: <giving a nice, long, WTF? look at my "invisible audience" - oh, you know what that means! >
Mrs D.: Just shut. Up.

Isn't it good to know that after 5 years your lover can still surprise you?

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