Monday, April 09, 2007

Bleep...zort... zztffpt... doing!*

*That, Natorettes, is the sound of my brain shorting out.

You think I'd be happy. Happy that I have just under three months of pay coming in while I am obligated to do nothing. You'd think I'd be doing a jig of joy now that I never have to go back to my job of nine years, during at least five of which I was deeply unhappy.

Well. Not yet.

I'm actually not surprised that when I stumbled home on Friday I immediately collapsed into a howling, weeping mess, then proceeded to sleep on and off through random hours during the weekend. Up at 3:00 a.m., back to bed at 5:30, sleeping until 11:00, up until 2:30, napping, up again at night - you get the picture. And inbetween wobbling around with such an exhausted feeling of surreality. This eventually paired with a headache and backache, and all the while the urge to keep checking on the old company website. Just what the hell was going on?

Well, it turns out that although I perceive myself as a lazy, type-B personality who'd rather never have to work, the prospect of actually having a few weeks off revealed my inner type-A worrywart. After all, when you take a vacation, you know you'll mostly likely have your job at the end. In this case, not having gainful employment for the first time in, oh, 20-odd years has made me a tad... neurotic.

It might be different if the job at the vet clinic was certain. Even if it pays less than half of what I've been making - and it does - the idea has been that the job would be a step in the process of trying a new career that might be fulfilling. However, since nothing is yet set, I find myself not only worried about what's going to come next, but a bit panicked.

Isn't it a bit depressing when you realize you've bought into the system? Honestly, there's a part of me that doesn't feel worthy, doesn't know how to define or explain myself, unless I have a job. I find myself actually thinking "I'm a failure," or, "I don't know what I'm doing with my life! I'm thinking of getting into... male modelling."

Anyway, I'm doing a little better today, after an actual night's sleep and a day of enjoying Torchwood episodes and unlimited bowls of La Lechera cereal. Ah, La Lechera. Come to me with your sweet, creamy Latina goodness in sensible shoes. You make me feel... lecherous...**

Over the next week I'll be doing household chores, trying to get another meeting and volunteer shift at the clinic, and working on my freelance site. Or I'll be relaxing. Or I'll be thinking I should do all those things, but getting so tense about it that I succeed at none of them. Place your bets!

**Please don't kill me for the horrible pun; it's a genetic disorder.


Anonymous said...

you're welcome to come over to my house and clean the poop box in order to practice for your vet job. just trying to help. ;)

Corn Dog said...

Yah! ANd I've got a dachshund/chihuahua that might need some anal glands expressed but I'm never sure! HEY! Don't look at me like I'm a purv!

Anonymous said...

I am so with you on this one. I left my job at age thirty two. Totally burned out, miserable, and older than my years. I had money from the sale of my business, and my partner had a decent income, so I felt at peace about my decision to just walk away from my career and start over. I took a three month hiatus from life and drove and camped all over the Western United States, and delved into photography.

I was free, and yet SCARED SHITLESS. What the hell have I done? I tossed away a career that I worked hard at, without a viable back up plan! The vacation is nice, but SHIT! What am I gonna do when I get back? Am I gonna treat my partner as my ATM? I used to be a free wheeling hippy boy, and now all I could think about was my professional suicide. Type A indeed.

Bottom line? IT ALL WORKED OUT. I started a new life, and new career, now my partner is supported by me, and all that worry was for naught. Actually, the worry probably drove me to examine what I held to be important, and what I was willing to do to achieve my creative goals.

You will make it through this uncertain time in your life, and will be thankful for the experience. Enjoy the ride!

Corn Dog said...

DA NATOR - SO sorry to tack this on the end of this comment string but I could not find an email for you. SAW LADY came to my blog and left US a sweet comment in the comment string under her blog entry. SAW LADY!

Da Nator said...

Thank you SO MUCH, tater. Your reasurance means a lot to me. :o)

You other two: express yer own damn anal glands! ;o)

Oh, and CD! SAW LADY!!!

Warrior Two said...

I'm doing the same damn thing, as you know, sans severance package. I'm just wingin' it. And periodically hyperventilating.

claire said...

oh! it's going to be FINE! no worries!! you're going to get that dream job and they're actually going to pay you for it.

I swear!