Mail Order Madness

There’s nothing quite like receiving one of those random tchotchkele catalogues in the mail. Since I occasionally order NPR & PBS-related gifts for people, I usually get the Wireless and Signals catlogues. But, this morning, I found something new in the mailbox: the What On Earth catalogue.

A sort of cross between Lillian Vernon and Spencer Gifts, the What On Earth catalogue indeed has things that’ll make you say “what the fuck?” Okay, it’s not quite the same, but I like my version better. Let’s flip through it and see what catches our collective, cyclopean eye, shall we?

Officially licensed John Lennon talking action figure.

Sadly, this is the first item I noticed, and my reaction was: no. Just, no. This is just so wrong in so many ways. And the fact that Yoko freaking licensed it? Wow, all those people who thought she was a monster were right.

Darth Vader Hoilday Figurine

On the one hand, this is so contrary to what Darth Vader – and here I mean the original triology Darth Vader, not some pouty teenaged bullshit – is supposed to be about. Vader is supposed to be forbidding, powerful… deadly. On the other hand, look at how cute he looks with his little gold-chained cape, santa hat and snow death star. “They blowed mine all up, so I’m gonna make one outta snoooooow.” Adorbs!

His Money, Her Money Piggy Bank Oh, ha ha ha! Entrenched patriarchal misogyny – it is to laugh!

Paint Your Own Weiner I’m so glad that this traditional frat hazing task now has a home version.

Crazy Cat Lady Action Figure They got the hair and nose all wrong. And my robe has cat appliqués on it, thank you very much.

I Noticed You're A Ganster T-Shirt Normally, I try not to focus on the “hilarious” t-shirts, because they are Teh Lame. This one grabbed my attention, however, because a few years back I actually designed a t-shirt with a very similar, über–caucasian 50s dude giving a thumbs up that read “THUG LIFE!” I never got it made, so now these people are making money off of what is basically my idea. I need to give in to my shameless capitalist urges more often.

I Like Big Buttes T-Shirt The more you get to know me, the more you will learn that I am a sucker for headsmack-worthy puns.

What Part Of Moooooahaahahaha Don't You Understand T-Shirt The last of the T-shirts I actually thought somewhat clever. I’d say it would make a good Halloween non-costume, but since I’m prone to frequent maniacal, evil-genius cackling, it’s more like everyday wear.

Castle Bundt® Cake Pan O, Castle Bundt® Cake Pan! I yearn for thee, ere I may use thee once and produceth one cake that, lo, emergeth all fucked up like a medieval crumbly ruin. Upon this sight, I wouldst gnash my teeth and decry thy maker as my sworn enemy. Yet, in due time I wouldst decree of thy base and rough-hewn form that 'twere more faithfull to history, and thus frost you tones most stone-like, appointing thee with knights-attendant of plasticine, yea with countenances grim, in the very throes of death, and instruments of pain, ring'd in very seas of blood...

and then it would turn out that this was all in my imagination and I actually thought about doing this but actually stuck the pan in the bottom cabinet, never to be seen again.

Light-Up Toilet Seat

Nothing says class like a light up your ass. This reminds me of a store down the street that sells all kinds of “designer” toilet seats, from padded Betty Boop on a motorcycle jobbies to ones with things like seashells, animal figurines or poker chips embedded in clear acrylic. I think my favourite one had money and razor blades in it. I mean, I’d bet there are a fair number of drug dealers in my nabe, but I didn’t know they warranted their own product line of powder room decorations.

Sheriff Armadillo Coin Bank

I am totally down with this armadillo. You people have run over, mocked or infected with leprosy your last Hoover Hog, I’ll tell you what. This here's a Killo ‘Dillo - so move along, son, move along.

The Pianist Hand Concert GAAAAAAAUGGHH!!!

“The various gears and levers inside this clear plastic hand interact to move the fingers as if they are playing one of six classic piano pieces; as the digits play selections from Beethoven's "Fifth Symphony", Scott Joplin's "The Entertainer," or Chopin's "Minute Waltz," you'll be fascinated by their precise movement and precision-tuned mechanical genius. Sound sensor starts the music when you clap; requires 2 AA batteries (not included).”

In the name of all that is holy, that is one of the creepiest things I’ve ever seen in my life.

Bacon Wallet

My first thought was “why?” But then I realized I actually know someone who should have this wallet. And you probably do, too.

Christmas Tree and Fireplace Nightlights

I actually think the fireplace one looks kinda cute and cozy. Shut up. I think I need a vacation.

Land Of Misfit Toys Glass Ornament Set These might just be cute enough to buy. If I didn't have enough damned Christmas ornaments to topple a sequioa, already.

Fo' Shizzle Doormat “EXCLUSIVE! Yo, G!. Why not add some mad style with this super fly doormat, boo? Clean up your slanguage and muddy shoes all at once, thanks to our extra-rugged olefin mat, a fo' shizzle ("sure-fire" to those hip to the jive) hit with every visitor. Easy care; hose clean.”

Ow.

If you didn’t know the “izzle” thing has been dead for several years? This should be a clue.

Limited Edition Kiss Plush Dolls I just don’t even know. Really.

And finally, the

Bushwhacker Whirligig and

George W. Bush Tissue Box Alright, just c’mon, people. How dare you portray our president this way? I mean, these likenesses are waaaay too flattering.

That’s about all that caught my eye in the print catalogue, although there’s enough more to bury you twelve times over in the online version. Honestly, the mind boggles at just how much useless, decorative crap the American public will shell out for, and just what that means about out culture. Shame on you, American culture, shame on you! I might, however, stop haranguing you if you buy me this

Monty Python™ Black Beast Of AAARRRGGGHHH Plush Toy but only because it would be the perfect accessory for when I take Ma Nator to Spamalot Sunday night.

And because oooohh – I need it!