Friday, January 12, 2007

Plumbing and Porn

Wednesday night, 8:30 PM.

Whew, what a day! Well, at least we're home and... oh, dear. Look at our bathroom.

I think we'd better stay here, instead.

Oh, look! Even the TV is welcoming us.

Let's see what's on it. Oh, look - porn.

YAWN. Gee I wonder what that "sensuous... plot geared to [straight, vanilla] women" entails? Does a Fabio clone come out dressed as the Phantom of the Opera, and tickle her with a feather for 3 hours before they make sweet, sweet love? And "Velvet Thrust?" Gag. What's next?

Darn, honey. I was trying to select this sassy "girl on girl" video, but my long nails got caught in your bleached hair, and the remote fell under my implants, where we can't find it, even if you nuzzle them awkwardly while thinking about the pizza boy's giant member. Next...!

Now we're talkin' - those gay boys really know how to do it. And look, they have implants, too! On second thought, the idea of trying to fit several steroidal muscle boys into a tiny airplane bathroom is not all that appealing. Keep going...

Well. You can't get a much more literal title than that, can you? Nope, you know exactly what you're getting from this one. At least it's a nice break from the 20 different versions of "husband comes home to find wife with another guy". What is it with that, anyway? Don't get any ideas. If I come home and discover you in flagrante delicto with that skanky plumber, I am not going to hide behind the curtains and wank myself, much less join in. Be prepared to kiss half you own and the cats goodbye, is all I'm sayin'...

Oh, yes! This must be the one. Look, it's guaranteed "plot free!" Thanks for telling us what we want to know, marketing guys!

You know, let's just watch The Daily Show and go to sleep, instead. Goodnight, hon.

 

Epilogue: The plumber was still at our apartment until after 9 PM last night, but Mrs. Nator berated him into finally "finishing up," so we could sleep at home. We now have a toilet, running water and a functional stove, but it took two hours for Mrs. Nator to clean up the mess, and then when she tried to take a shower this morning, the downstairs neighbours' bathroom flooded.

Our landlords' reaction on seeing the damage to both bathrooms was: "oh my God!" So, the good news is it looks like we'll be getting repaired ceiling and floors, plus new walls, sink and fixtures. The bad news is, we can't shower now, and all that means a new troop of plumbers and contractors will be coming in and taking over our lives, soon. Joy!

5 comments:

Ken said...

I fear that you have gotten our plumber, Tom. He's a little bit redneck, a little bit nervous -- kinda like a hillbilly Don Knotts.

We learned early on that we could trust him and his work before lunchtime only. After lunch he was way to drunk to work. Sadly he wasn't too drunk to talk your ears off.

We came up with lots of reasons why he had to return and finish in the morning. Lucky for us he was generally too wasted to argue.

Good luck with the replacement plumbers. Wow, what a great name for a neo-punk rock group -- The Replacement Plumbers.

Doug said...

Loved it, m'dear. Gave you a shout.

Chaucer's Bitch said...

i dunno, that last one doesn't look too bad. nothing like a little truth in advertising, eh?

BigAssBelle said...

oh my god, this was HYSTERICAL!!!!! and at the holiday inn? really??? somehow holiday inn always seemed so vanilla middle america good and true. man on man then girl porn. too much, too funny. i loved loved loved this.

TigerYogi said...

We had something similar happen in a rental years ago. The toilet tank just gave up the ghost one day while we were at work, and flooded the first floor bathroom and hall. Since the landlord lived there he fixed it very quickly! :)